#1
I was listening to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, and I was inspired to write this


He unwraps her body from his arms
climbs out of bed and sneaks into the night
He runs into an abandoned lot
with faded vision he stares into the sky
Through the clouds that pretend to rain
he can see the blurry stars
shining maps and screaming directions
they're so determined to lead him away
With one last look at the ground
he runs off into the unknown everlasting
Step by step, he disappears
into the man he always feared
Tired and thirsty and so out of breath
he stumbles and weaves
pushes for one last step
then falls to his knees
raises his hands to God and he cries
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

He's been tracing this path long into the night
struggling to find his promised land
He stops for a moment and he thinks
if it's even worth not being there to hold her hand
Now she lays alone in her bed
while he searches the contents of a shed
In the last drawer he finds a book,
a bible left behind from better days
Not wasting a second he climbs to the roof
strikes a match on his cheek
lights the text in his hands
and throws it into the sky as hard as he can
As he waits for it come back down on him
he screams
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Rushing back to the love of his life
he'll never follow the stars again
He climbs through the window and lands at her side
She's been awake
she's been crying
but now she can finally dry her tears
She wraps her arms around his neck
leans forward and gives him the first kiss of his new life
Running hands down her side
and his jaw pressed to her cheek
tears flow past his laps as they sing
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Aug 13, 2009,
#2
Nice to see a happy ending there, Taylor. This had a maturity that's been missing from your writing, also an aura of self-respect and dignity. For once, the character isn't a complete arsehole. He has flaws, but they're natural flaws and in the end he overcomes them. There are a few lines here that are a bit weak, but i'll give someone else the pleasure of tearing into this as i doubt i'll have the time for a massive crit for a long time. Love Grade 12.
#3
I like the theme, and there were no hyge technicalities that stuck out. It'd be nice to see more elaboration on the character's time away from his lover to make his return more effective
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
The two guys before me have pretty much said it all. The piece shows a great level of maturity in it as it shows the character in a good light as they fight their flaws. I'm really sorry about the terrible crit, I'm drunk and have just had a massive argument with my girlfriend so I'm not taking anything seriously at the moment. I'll try and get back to this soon, but I greatly appreciate you looking at my piece, thanks alot man.
#5
I like this alot, reminds me of Taylor Swift's Love Story because it has a beginning,middle & end.

I really enjoyed this part, perhaps a great pre-bridge before the chorus:

Tired and thirsty and so out of breath
he stumbles and weaves
pushes for one last step
then falls to his knees
raises his hands to God and he cries
Hallelujah

Is this about a guy who wants to be with a girl but is forced on a different path?