#1
Just had a song in my mind(sounded really great) so i grabbed my writing pad and this came out instead.A bit disfyntional but it fits the music.

I'm feeling burning
Tearing me inside
Dark visions chasing
But something i don't mind

I get this every friday
I get this every night
Mostly on the weekend
My brain goes...

Outa sight
Hate and spit pour out
Your face just winds me up
And i just wanna put you
Outa sight
My head just spinning down
Your face wont be around
And i just wanna put you
Outa sight

My bodies seething
Tearing me inside
Another chaser
Is something i will find

This is when i feel good
Dont feel good many nights
Bring it to the weekend
My brain goes...

Outa sight
Hate and **** pouring out
Your face just winds me up
And i just wanna put you
Outa sight
My head just spinning down
Dont want your face around
And i just wanna put you
Outa sight

My heads exploding
Blowing me away
These faceless demons
Are something i dont mind

I get this every friday
I get this every night
But on the weekend
My brain goes

Outa sight
Hate and wit pour out
Your face just winds me up
And i just wanna put you
Outa sight
My head spinning down
Dont want your face around
And i just wanna put you
Outa sight
Dont want your face around
Just wanna smack you down
Cos i just wanna put you
Outa sight..

Well thats how it came out,didn't sound anything like i had in mind.
#2
Some minuses, the rhythm seems a little off it places, and a lot of the rhymes are very predictable.

On the plus side, there is a ton of visible emotion in this piece, which is always good. There are some cool lines that I really liked, most notably "These faceless demons/Are something i dont mind". Now, demons aren't the most original idea out there, but not minding them is a very different twist on the idea.

I'd like to know a little more about the person whose face makes you so angry, though; the person only comes up in the chorus otherwise, it is mostly internal conflict. Otherwise, I really enjoyed it. a few times through refining and this should be really great. If you won't mind critting my new one, I'd be very grateful.
Last edited by Skaliveson at Aug 13, 2009,
#3
Hi thanks for your comments,it's one of those pieces that just spews out without a single change so i can see where the discrepencies with the musical flow come from,just not heavily worked.
To your question about who's face it is i see,it's written from the perspective of something i don't really understand,it's from the eyes of someone who unwinds all their frustrations and grievences after a week in work on the weekend when they go out,get rat arsed and hate everyone and everything and would rather be kicked the hell out of than go home without the night being violent.The face in this is anybody who catches my eye looking anywhere near me,i don't doubt you have bumped into people that are this way.Me myself i'd rather just get rat arsed and have a laugh but then there must be a purpose for the inability to control feelings when some peoople are pumped with as it's titled 'Testosterone'
Are they wrong there's a lot of people who love to hate.

thanks for reading