#1
Hey people thanks for looking in on my thread. This is one of my two latest pieces, both of which are the first things I have written after a good few months of severe writer's block. I'm not sure what I think of this one yet but I wrote them both whilst I was away on holiday and picked up a bit of inspiration from a story I heard whilst I was there, and they are 2 connecting pieces which is why I'm posting this one forst, I will post the second piece on Saturday when I'm allowed to. Anyway sorry for the long intro lol, will return crits on any pieces you want me to. By the way, any title recommendations will be greatly appreciated. Her's the song:

Verse 1:

Autumn Sun, turns the leaves golden-brown,
And one by one, they fall to the ground.
Seasons change but she still hangs around,
Surrounded but lonely,
In silence, not sound.

Verse 2:

Sarah stands there with the Sun in her eyes,
One by one, chances pass her by.
A single raindrop falls from the sky
She's on her own,
And she doesn't know why.

Chorus:

She won't stop trying to find,
All the things that were left behind,
Everything changes in time,
And she is left to wonder why,
She doesn't change at all.

Verse 3:

Such a young girl with a mind so old,
Never listens to a word she's told.
Trying to find her fields of gold,
Starting to turn a page,
So her life doesn't fold.

Verse 4:

She takes a drive out on a long, dark night,
Hoping that someday she'll be alright.
Radiant colours of the city are bright,
But she's so cold now,
Shadows disappear into her headlights.

Chorus:

She won't stop trying to find,
All the things that were left behind,
Everything changes in time,
And she is left to wonder why,
She doesn't change at all.

Bridge:

She changed, like sunshine to rain,
From beautiful to ugly,
And she couldn't hid the pain.
Like caterpillar,
To butterfly,
But it's just the other way round.

Chorus (twice and fade out):

She won't stop trying to find,
All the things that were left behind,
Everything changes in time,
And she is left to wonder why,
She doesn't change at all.
#3
I guess you could interpret it that way, but I was going for something more along the lines of all the big, amazing shadows being created by the lights of the city being taken away as soon as she sees them, i.e when her headlights catch up to the shadows. Thanks for reading the song mate, I'll get to yours later
#4
This
Autumn Sun, turns the leaves golden-brown,
And one by one, they fall to the ground.
Seasons change but she still hangs around,
Surrounded but lonely,
In silence, not sound.

and
And she is left to wonder why,
She doesn't change at all.

were gold.

The rest of this song, however, feels like you were trying to hard to "fit the song"
You don't always hafta rhyme and you can break the rhythm every now and then, don't be afraid to.
As it stands, it could use some revising.
Don't think of music as space you have to fill with words.
Think of it instead as a time limit. You have that much room to work with, and you hafta squeeze all that greatness in there, not stretch it out to fit.
If you wouldn't mind clicking the link in my sig called Weightless Hallelujah id really appreciate it
#5
Thanks for the crit man, but with the rhythm and rhyme thing you said, the music I have worked out for it means that without the rhyming or the rhythmic part of the song it wouldn't work. I appreciate the crit though, I appreciate you giving it the time of the day, I'll get to your piece now.
#6
I actually really liked it.
The biggest problem for me was the line "A single raindrop falls from the sky," it just seems out of place to me, like it's only there to fit the rhyme scheme. I also think the 3rd verse could be better, but it's still pretty good how it is.
#7
Quote by pnah
I actually really liked it.
The biggest problem for me was the line "A single raindrop falls from the sky," it just seems out of place to me, like it's only there to fit the rhyme scheme. I also think the 3rd verse could be better, but it's still pretty good how it is.


Thanks for the crit dude, I'm going to take a look over the song and work on the things you pointed out, I think the line I used just hasn't conveyed the message and sentiment I was trying to get across. What was it about the 3rd verse that you didn't like?

Do you have anything you want me to take a look at?
#8
Quote by TobyFellrunners
Thanks for the crit dude, I'm going to take a look over the song and work on the things you pointed out, I think the line I used just hasn't conveyed the message and sentiment I was trying to get across. What was it about the 3rd verse that you didn't like?

Do you have anything you want me to take a look at?


I didn't like the last 3 lines of it, but I don't think there's really anything wrong with it, that's just my opinion. I wouldn't worry about it (unless other people have said the same thing).

and no, I'm not a writer myself. I wish I could write, unfortunately I'm just not very creative (another reason why you shouldn't worry too much about my opinion on the 3rd verse )