#1
hey thanks for looking over my song. I don't like labeling my songs as "sounding like" another band but if u have to compare this to an artist think "Rise Against" like acoustic/electric kinda song. Also if u see any kind of plagurism please point it out, i don't plan on getting sued.... ever. Also if u want to me to crit your work i will do my best just post in down below and thank you for your crit in return

Verse 1
The Horizon is nearing.
An Awkward Silence attempts to swallow everything.
Our worlds are collapsing.
I just wish that out wrongs could have been undone.

Chorus
72, Jump through the haze,
then fell through the smoke,
leaving us in a daze.
Keep the simple things,
cause life is to short,
so don't fall asleep.
Cause life is a war.

Verse 2
We all trudge along.
Bullets still laying on the ground.
My soul is my protector.
It saves me from the hardships of the world.

Chorus (Extended)
72 shots, jump through the haze,
then fell through the smoke, leaving us in a daze.
Keep the simple things,
cause life is to short,
so don't fall asleep.
Cause life is a war.
In our disarray,
the shadows come near,
I'm where I belong,
on life's battle field.
72, shots from above,
this seems so surreal,
your life is untouched.
Swiftly our life goes,
so don't waist it all,
write what you see,
now write me a song.

Outro
72 shots, peirce through our walls,
what once was pure
now endlessly falls.
Last edited by TheSmashing at Aug 14, 2009,
#2
Thanks for the crit!

There's some nice stuff here. The verses inparticular stand out from the rest of the piece. The only thing I would suggest is re-writing the chorus. It seems a bit weak after all the imagery used in the rest of the song. This is improved a lot in the extended chorus at the end, so perhaps you could benefit from taking another section of the outro chorus to repeat.