#1
It's been a while since I've put anything up here (since I've written at all, really) and I'm trying to get back in the habit. The creative side of my brain is extremely rusty, please be nice. C4C of course.


Your pretty little bones,
dressed in paper skin,
don’t look as new as they used to;
Yeah, your pretty brittle bones,
don’t look as strong as they used to,
like they really belong to you

Your polished porcelain smile,
cracking on the side,
don’t look as bright as it used to;
Yeah that polished porcelain soul,
it was less scarred when I last saw you
you’re looking older than you used to.

Each passing day wears like lint on a coat,
‘till you’re ragged and worn.
Each passing lover steals like a crook
‘till you’re left with nothing
but those
Pretty,
pretty,
pretty little,
Pretty brittle bones
#2
nice man, i can feel the condsending scorn, one that arises from what feels like a deep seeded anger or resentment, this stanzas flow felt a bit off

Yeah that polished porcelain soul,
it was less scarred when I last saw you
you’re looking older than you used to.

but other than that nothing to add, it feels like it was written in some sort of mathematical fervor, i enjoyed it
Last edited by jjj5150 at Aug 13, 2009,
#3
This wasn't half bad man, which is saying a lot since I tend to dislike 98% of the lyrics posted on here. My only complaint really is the last lines in each of the first two stanzas. I think they're weak lines and they seem unnecessary. In my opinion the piece would be so much stronger without them. One more thing is that the third line of the second stanza should grammatically start with "doesn't" instead of "don't".

Not bad though.
#4
There was a lot of repetition and it was a bit short, but it was still pretty cool stuff. Powerful! I can imagine those lyrics working well in a song, perhaps in some dark emo, screamo, punk, metal or indie scene. Hmm...
#5
I agree with bassbeat77 that the last lines of the first two stanzas are a little weak and should maybe just get cut, but otherwise I really liked it. It's short and repetitive, but I feel like it would be catchy put together.
El Gearo:

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#6
It's good to see you again.

I enjoyed the repetitions quite a bit. One thing,

Your polished porcelain smile,
cracking on the side,
don’t look as bright as it used to;

shouldn't that be 'doesn't'?
#9
You've ended four lines with used to.
This, in itself, is a bit much.
In verse 1, you use it to end lines 3 and 5
In verse 2, you use it to end lines 3 and 6.
Breaking the pattern makes the repetition look less intentional, and just lazy/sloppy.

Pretty / little / brittle is pleasingly percussive as well as slightly unnerving. Good fun.

Quote by Skaliveson
To the don't/doesn't comments, I did that intentionally, though I'll change it for all you grammar police.
Please doesn't.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Aug 14, 2009,
#10
I liked this, sounds nice. just two things that I want you to know that probably would make this flow better:

remove the "it" from "it was less scarred when I last saw you"

Also, I think removing the first passing on the last stanza would make it better, however, it probably breaks the structure you built.

Nonetheless, very nice return.
#11
Thanks a lot! Glad to see all you old guys are still around, I hardly recognize any of these names.

I might get rid of both 'passing's, that's a good idea. Lets see if I can write anything more to follow this up with.. Let me know if there is anything (you, SYK or AngryGoldfish) want me to crit.
#12
I wouldn't even dream of giving constructive crits cos who am i but i did like the china and cracks imagry as it really does fit with the 25 plus years ago when i was in school and the peaches and cream levi and miss sixty's have aged so badly i'm glad i wasn't popular.(might be stuck with one know)
really enyoyed.
P.S you may slightly suffer from the I wanna be and i want to be in the same piece,I do it all the time,you can't be thick and intelligent in the same piece
i.e
your polished porcelien(excuse the spelling)smile
very interlectual writing.
Don't look as good as it used too.

Clever and thick together

great stuff though and hope you understand my little crit cos i'm not wowed about my abilty to chuck to you the reasons why just talking could possibly make you well versed in conveying my meaning.

LOL

good stuff