#1
Monet painted a picture and called it Earth,
worth a thousand words to the art-lovers in the astral plains,
sailing in a spaceship
searching for a shot of aestheticism to blitz their veins.
a brilliant blue sphere
transforms
and becomes deformed once you get near.
so many misplaced colors
and splotches of rigid textures
that pleasure only regains existence
from a sizeable distance.

and i can only guess the world looks smooth
from the stars.
i'm still planted on the canvas
trying to figure where i stand in this work of art.
but those aliens must turn their heads away
when they reach our atmosphere.
find some other planet for beauty
because it sure isn't here.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Aug 16, 2009,
#2
Lots of interesting rhyme schemes, i found it to be enjoyable because this one piece in particular doesn't sound like a direction in which i would take things, due to the way youre schemes are constructed, which reminded me of the way a friend of mine writes.

and when your nose touches the world's
you can feel the earth quake
from under-the-table handshakes, (Liked this alot)
or the slight breeze
of dejected sighs, political winks;

To my ear i think it might sound cool if you used 3 syllabels in front of the word "sighs" istead of the current 4 and then 1 syllabel more prior to "political winks" ex. "of deject_ sighs, AND political winks" or something to that affect phrasing wise

But then again im pretty stoned and may not feel that way in the morning haha, all in all good piece man, i enjoyed it. if you have time check out one i wrote earlier today, the threads called untitled rythmic poem
#3
thanks for the crit. i actually kinda agree with you. i had thought there was a missing syllable in those lines. i'll work on it. yours has just been critted.
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
this font makes bold not appear (for me at least) so if you zoom in with the good old ctrl and the mouswheel you can see where I talk easily but it's probably not too hard to find anyways.

Quote by SubwayToVenus
Monet painted a picture and called it Earth,
worth a thousand words to the art-lovers in the astral plains,
sailing in a spaceship
searching for a shot of aestheticism to blitz their veins.
a brilliant blue sphere
transforms
and becomes deformed once you get near.
so many misplaced colors
and splotches of rigid textures
that pleasure only regains existence
from a sizeable distance.
solid. Good use of metaphor. Good flow in this poem.

and when your nose touches the world's
you can feel the earth quake
from under-the-table handshakes,
or the slight breeze
of dejected sighs, political winks;
dropping the word political completely destroys any sense of subtlety that was charming up until this point. I think it would be much better to avoid using it here cause in this case it sounds cliche and amateurish.
the wrenching pain
as unseen fingers cross
or as dignity is shed,
the brand-new craze in weight-loss.
same goes for this last line. It sounds like you're trying to hard to pinpoint something in our society that is shallow and negative. but you resort to weightloss plans. It's been heard too much in this same sense and it doesn't fit the piece all that well anyways.

and i can only guess the world looks smooth
from the stars.
i'm still planted on the canvas
trying to figure where i stand in this work of art.
but those aliens must turn their heads away
when they reach our atmosphere.
find some other planet for beauty
because it sure isn't here.
nicely brought back together. Strong finish.



This might be my favorite I've read from you yet because it has composure and direction and uses itself to build on. Of course, a lot of those bumps and ridges are up for debate beauty wise but this piece captured the emotion of giving up on that really well. I look forward to more.

~jimmy

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Aug 16, 2009,
#7
if you took out the second stanza entirely I wouldnt really notice nor miss it. plus it would make it a tighter, more confident piece. Also, your use of the third person, then the second person, then the first person is very confusing. Cut one of them (preferably the second).

this piece had an incredibly strong voice and sense of style/rhythm. good work.
#8
^i took your suggestion and read it without the second stanza and i must say that i agree with you. everything was more succint and neatly-packaged. that was great advice. plus it takes out one of those p-o-v's like you mentioned. thanks a lot!
here, My Dear, here it is