#1
I posted this song a few weeks ago, but today I decided to improve it.
This is the new version.
It has 3 different vocals + backup

slave
you are no more
than a tool of mine
i tell you how to live
and when to die
slave
you’ll always be
nothing at all
you belong to me
and you will never ask me
why

i am the ruler of this evil kingdom
the master of your puppet-like life
every second of your misserable existance
is meant to please my desire

if you try to escape
i will hunt you like a hawk
i will show you a world of pain and suffering
worse than every nightmare you ever had

work…work…
work…work…[repeat on background]

i’m tired of being a servant
but i know nothing else
i wonder if there’s anything i can do
but im just too afraid

work work work harder
work work work faster
work work work until your hands bleed
work work work work [repeat on background]

i can’t take this anymore
i deserve a better life
i refuse to be your servant
even if that makes me die

Die? That is the last thing to be worried about! Take him to the temple!

[God voice]
If you dissobey
All you can expect after this life
Is just eternal hell

There is no life and death cycle
There is no ‘how?’, there is no ‘why?’
There is no ‘now’ ,‘there is no ‘time’
The only thing you will ever find
Is just eternal pain

No matter how much you live
The time will never end

(long instrumental)

Get back to work
Or i will eat your soul!

[/god voice]


If you don’t want to suffer for ever
Obey my human form
get on your knees and ask for mercy
and this time i’ll let you go

this punishment is terrifying
i don’t want to end like that
maybe a life of constant work
is not so bad after all

{please my lord
have mercy on my soul
i will always be your servant
until death and far beyond}[fading repeat]


slave
{you are no more
than a tool of mine
i tell you how to live
and when to die
slave
you’ll always be
nothing at all
you belong to me
and you will never ask me
why}x2
i am no more
than a tool of yours
you tell me how to live
and when to die
master
i’ll always be
nothing at all
i belong to you
and i will never ask you
why

END

I already started with the music, it will take a while, but i think its going great
#2
It has a rather... cartoonish feeling about it to me honestly. It's a great piece, but - and please, don't take this the wrong way - there's not much maturity to the writing in general. For one there's just no imagery, no real use of writing skills like similes, metaphors, or my personal favorite, symbolism. It also becomes slightly redundant, but not enough to bother me.

However, I will say I admire your sense of creativity, and it would sound greatly intriguing with 3 vocalists, I think. It's a nice concept, and even moreso it's as long as a freakin' short story! xD All in all, good effort but needs work to be a great effort.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1181580
"We programmed in death...A thousand needles lie here to inject their lies."
#3
Quote by Killswitch666
For one there's just no imagery, no real use of writing skills like similes, metaphors, or my personal favorite, symbolism.



I'm aware of that, but I don't think songs should always be just poetry with music.

Thanks for the crit
#4
Its really generic , like the kind of song you write on a napkin , but I guess most metal songs nowadays have lyrics like that.