#1
that effortlessness you once contested
has been the crowning jewel
in his successful expedition
to and back from the taj mahal

and the grinding of your teeth is
one of those annoying things you do
though he ignored you like when the sunburn
starts to peel off

those tricks you used to stick to him
the pokes and pricks and punches
black eyed the vengeance maker
a bye-bye wave with dice shakers

disparity in the smile and the sneer
equality lost in the muscles forced
that stubborn tick of incisors in the laugh
another reason not to stay the course

and if it wasn't for the rodents in your hair
he'd still be there

a crack, a bang, the night-time in two
the evening before then the mid-afternoon
eyeliner smudged into the rouge
the face of a clown struggling to choose

those tricks that you used to stick to him
the pokes and pricks and punches made a
black eyed vengeance maker who gave
a bye-bye wave with dice shakers

the day after next


Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 14, 2009,
#2
The first two stanzas were great,
but the rest lost the momentum for me.
They just seemed to lack that special touch at the beginning.

a crack, a bang, the night-time in two
the evening before then the mid-afternoon
Those lines could have been much, much smoother. The way they are right now, they're a mess.

those tricks that you used to stick to him
the pokes and pricks and punches
This is just too "list-like" for me, and it makes me feel more like I'm going noun shopping than reading

disparity in the smile and the sneer
equality lost in the muscles forced
that stubborn tick of incisors in the laugh
another reason not to stay the course
This just runs on all the way until the end. It dragged me down to the end of the paragraph faster than i could realize what was going on

The beginning, though, was fantastic, and i hope to see more.
If you could drop by Weightless Hallelujah in my sig, I'd really appreciate it