#1
Hey guys, longest thing I've written for a while and I plan giving it some work because I like where its going. Probably another verse or two and a bridge in the works. And yes, I know its another song about a girl. Its only...I think my third or fourth song so far. Hopefully I can start writing about other things soon. C4C of course (though my C's suck )

What we had before got
Shot down just like a
Plane in the war
Way back on D-Day
On the beach there in Normandy
They say what hurts doesn't kill you
Yeah for us I suppose that's just
Truely the way of the world

A dream that for once came true
Until it all fell through
It didn't make sense then
(Then)Again it never made sense at all
And for loss there's no antedoct
But I've written some anectdotes
I guess its time that I ask you once more
Please say yes
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
Last edited by Natrone at Aug 15, 2009,
#2
Quote by Natrone
Hey guys, longest thing I've written for a while and I plan giving it some work because I like where its going. Probably another verse or two and a bridge in the works. And yes, I know its another song about a girl. Its only...I think my third or fourth song so far. Hopefully I can start writing about other things soon. C4C of course (though my C's suck )

What we had before got
Shot down just like a
Plane in the war
Way back on D-Day
On the beach there in Normandie
They say what hurts doesn't kill you
Yeah for us I suppose that's just
Truely the way of the world


You had better be joking. Spell Normandy right god damnit. Thats an insult to all those who died for our country that day.


A dream that for once came true
Until it all fell through
It didn't make sense then
(Then)Again it never made sense at all
And for loss there's no antedoct
But I've written some anectdotes
I guess its time that I ask you once more
Please say yes



I like it. a little bit to much in terms of big words (im not stupid, I'm just saying that it might be hard to sing all those words.


Rather enjoyed this peice, just fix the whole Normandy and big word thing and add more and your good :P
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#3
Holy crap that makes me feel awful. I didn't realize I spelled that wrong

Thanks for the crit. I'm curious what you meant by too many big words though. The only spot I found was the antedoct-anecdote (sp?), and I wanted to keep that for the slight bit of word play. I'll take a look at one of your pieces once I'm back to a computer in a couple days. I feel like it'd be a bit hard to do that from my phone
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
Last edited by Natrone at Aug 15, 2009,
#4
Quote by Natrone
Holy crap that makes me feel awful. I didn't realize I spelled that wrong

Thanks for the crit. I'm curious what you meant by too many big words though. The only spot I found was the antedoct-anecdote (sp?), and I wanted to keep that for the slight bit of word play. I'll take a look at one of your pieces once I'm back to a computer in a couple days. I feel like it'd be a bit hard to do that from my phone



I just meant that in that one stanza (sorry if i wasnt direct in pointing out that theres were i meant it). I really did like the song though, very emotional. Ya i would love to get a crit on one of my songs from you, keep up the good work.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#5
So here are my thoughts and such.
Quote by Natrone


Ok first off the title caught my eye right away. Thats good.

What we had before got
Shot down just like a
Plane in the war
Way back on D-Day
On the beach there in Normandy
They say what hurts doesn't kill you
Yeah for us I suppose that's just
Truely the way of the world

I kinda got the feeling that lines 1-6 were a bit clichéd. The whole plane getting shot down thing is a fairly recognisable image. On the otherhand, it clearly expressed your message so it's good in that way. It also read fairly smoothly so hopefully it would translate to singing fairly well.

A dream that for once came true
Until it all fell through
It didn't make sense then
(Then)Again it never made sense at all
And for loss there's no antedoct
But I've written some anectdotes
I guess its time that I ask you once more
Please say yes

The rhyme on lines 1 and 2, I know that where I'm from people dont usually pronounce "h"s. So it ends up sounding like true and trou or true again which is a bit repetitive. But you probably don't have this problem.
Then in line 5 is it meant to be "antidote" instead of "antedoct". If not what does "antedoct" mean because I couldn't find it when I looked it up.

All in all its fairly solid if not ground breakingly original. It has potential to really become something I think.



#6
^Right, I agree with the cliche on the first line. Stuff with planes or anything for that matter getting shot down is nothing new.

I did intend to have that rhyme simply because it works well with the melody. Also, I meant antidote but as I normally do I overcomplicated spelling a word.

And yeah its definately nothing new to write a song about a girl. So far its all I seem to be able to do, but as I said in the intro I intend to try and write about something else within my next couple pieces. Thanks for the crit!
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray