#1
Mama's love was only chemical -
the basic animal instinct to take care of a child
the neediness of chubby cheeks and
satisfaction of little fingers wrapped around her own
holding on and on until her biological clock was content.
The overwhelming connection between mother and infant
in the soft musky scent of skin and tender suckling of breast;
all insignificant and yet enough to make her fall to her knees,
pray to nonexistent gods and resign from her identity...


Cardamom, clove, cinnamon spice
the taste I was raised with and never outgrew
it is only a brew, only a brew
but oh how it reminds me of you.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Aug 15, 2009,
#2
This was seriously amazing. I wish I had something to offer in terms of a good critique but I got nothin'. I would only suggest two things and they are very nit-picky. First, I feel that in the line: "holding on and on until her biological clock is content", it should be "was content". Also, that same line seems like it has one too many syllables in it, like "until" should be "'til" or something. But, like I said, extremely nit-picky.

I loved the personal touch you put in the last stanza. I could really hear your voice in that part and it stuck with me. Moreover, I liked the rhyme scheme there. I thought it tied everything in together nicely and neatly.

Great job again with this. I really liked it.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
until her biological clock is content.

You have a tense problem between this and what precedes. This is present. Aside from that, the concept of the clock being "satisfied" personalizes the metaphor and weakens it slightly. Perhaps you could, instead, have this action mute the ticking? idk.

Overwhelming is almost necessary in the next line to cause her to later drop to her knees. But still, I feel it needs something more intimate. Maybe you can find a better word.

Interesting contrast between the two parts. The first has lengthy sentences, filled with clauses and connections. The second is built on short phrases, sonics, and rhythm.
Meadows
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#4
Tense mistake noted - I'm changing 'is' to 'was'... and I'll try to look into some of the word choices and see what I can do.

Thanks boys; highly appreciated... And Subway, I'm flattered
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
I'm just gonna say that I really loved this, and I've really enjoyed where your writing is going lately.
#6
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
I'm the outcast on this one. It was pretty, but I didn't really enjoy the "payoff." Felt lacking compared to the first stanza where you painted such a lovely scene for me to enjoy. And then you are just like... "it's only a brew but... CLICHE MOTHER****ER!"

I guess cliches are ok sometimes, and it seemed to work for everyone else... but I couldn't help but feel it a bit unoriginal and underwhelming. I really enjoyed what you did in the opening part... I just felt cheated by the second.
#9
Thanks again, everyone... I'm glad this was enjoyed.


Quote by ZanasCross
I'm the outcast on this one. It was pretty, but I didn't really enjoy the "payoff." Felt lacking compared to the first stanza where you painted such a lovely scene for me to enjoy. And then you are just like... "it's only a brew but... CLICHE MOTHER****ER!"

I guess cliches are ok sometimes, and it seemed to work for everyone else... but I couldn't help but feel it a bit unoriginal and underwhelming. I really enjoyed what you did in the opening part... I just felt cheated by the second.


I'm glad you brought up the cliche; it's contrast to the first stanza is supposed to be... ironic, in a sense. I'm not sure if that came across or not.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja