#1
Hey if any of you guys read my previous piece then you'll know that this is a follow on to it. For those of you who haven't, here's a link: Part 1 If you read that piece then this one it will probably help you to understand this part a little better. Crit for crit as always, I appreciate you taking the time to read my work so I will gladly do the same for you.

Verse 1:

We all thought, she wa slike an open door,
She'd say one thing, and mean nothing more.
Never seemed to have a problem,
She always seemed fine,
But we didn't know,
What went on in her mind.

Verse 2:

We never knew, she wouldn't let us in,
And how that made her troubles begin.
She was just another normal girl,
In this normal town,
But we didn't know,
Her world was upside down.

Chorus:

All the time she was breaking inside,
Trying to find a place where she could run and hide.
Her heart was breaking,
Like a rock to the tide;
She could never be saved.
Srah was crashing,
But she was no wave.

Verse 3:

There was nothing we could give her,
And she'd want to cry a river,
But she, was scared that she
Would, drown the whole world.
In the end she became,
An extra-ordinary girl.

Verse 4:

Some nights she would go out and wander,
To a place she thought we wouldn't find her.
She'd stare out at the sea, and
It would seem so calm,
Didn't think that it would,
Cause her any harm.

Chorus:

Then one night it started to go wrong,
She felt the water was where she belonged.
It was so inviting,
On that Winter's eve.
She didn't want to be saved,
arah was crashing,
But she was no wave.

Bridge:

Although we thought that,
It was done out of haste,
We could never have known,
That she didn't feel our embrace.
She thought that she belonged there,
She felt like a wave,
We thought that she'd been foolish,
But she couldn't have been more brave.

Chorus 2/Outro:

As she drifted away,
She was finally at peace.
The cool water soothed her,
And gave her the release,
From the secrets she tried to hide,
Locked away inside,
Her life was fading away,
She was crashing,
With the rest of the waves.
#2
Dang man....beautiful piece.

Thats really all I've got. Loved it in combination with part one
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray
#3
You know there's a Fall Out Boy song titled, "You're crashing, but you're no wave?"

Eerily familiar.
breaking hearts
&
breaking guitars
#4
Quote by Natrone
Dang man....beautiful piece.

Thats really all I've got. Loved it in combination with part one


Thanks alot man, I appreciate you commenting on it =] I'm glad you got the connection between the two pieces, I know I said beforehand that they were linked but I was worried that the only connection people would see was that it was the same character in each song. Do you have anything you'd like me to take a look at?

Quote by Kevy Absolution
You know there's a Fall Out Boy song titled, "You're crashing, but you're no wave?" Eerily familiar.


Yes, I'm aware of that but if you think that two songs can't have similar names then think again, take a look at a few of your CDs and you will notice some stuff popping up with the same names. The title may be similar but the songs are nothing alike, and the title I have for this song fits the piece perfectly, the subject matter is completely different to the Fallout Boy song. If you are going to come in and say that about someone's work at least give them some criticism otherwise there's not much point posting.
#5
In response to what Kevy Absolution said, when you are using the same metaphor rather than single word like "Sometimes" or "Lucky" then you're getting onto dodgy territory. It might result in your piece being reflected on badly. But if you are certain it's necessary for the piece then by all means keep the title.
#6
I've read both parts and they're both great. However, I liked this one better so I figured I'd comment on it.

I think what I liked most about this piece was the flow of it. For the most part, my eyes moved from one line to the next seamlessly which was a treat. As a reader, I'm better able to grasp the theme of the piece when I'm not tripped up on every line so good job there. Another aspect I liked about this piece was it's "story-telling" aspect and how you didn't deviate from it. In other words, I liked how you started a story and then finished it. That may seem obvious but I've seen some pieces that tell a story without a succint structure to them. It was refreshing to see that this one did.

A couple things I would suggest would be to consider revising this line:
"But she, was scared that she
Would, drown the whole world"

The line breaks here personally feel awkward. It messed up the flow a tad when I read it.

Other than that, I couldn't really pick out anything else too egregious with it. I also liked how you brought in water/beach imagery into the chorus to set up the title line beautifully. And as far as it's similarity with the Fall Out Boy title, I agree that if the two songs talk about different things then it is okay to use it. Just my two cents.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
Quote by SubwayToVenus
I've read both parts and they're both great. However, I liked this one better so I figured I'd comment on it.

I think what I liked most about this piece was the flow of it. For the most part, my eyes moved from one line to the next seamlessly which was a treat. As a reader, I'm better able to grasp the theme of the piece when I'm not tripped up on every line so good job there. Another aspect I liked about this piece was it's "story-telling" aspect and how you didn't deviate from it. In other words, I liked how you started a story and then finished it. That may seem obvious but I've seen some pieces that tell a story without a succint structure to them. It was refreshing to see that this one did.

A couple things I would suggest would be to consider revising this line:
"But she, was scared that she
Would, drown the whole world"

The line breaks here personally feel awkward. It messed up the flow a tad when I read it.

Other than that, I couldn't really pick out anything else too egregious with it. I also liked how you brought in water/beach imagery into the chorus to set up the title line beautifully. And as far as it's similarity with the Fall Out Boy title, I agree that if the two songs talk about different things then it is okay to use it. Just my two cents.


Thanks for the crit man, I've read some of your stuff and I always enjoy it, it's nice to see a good writer enjying some of my work. And I agree about that line break, I'm not sure why I've phrased it like that, think it's something to do with the way I was singing it as I wrote, I'll work on that to improve it.

Thanks again for taking the time to crit my piece man, much appreciated
#8
No problem dude. If you wouldn't mind looking at the one in my sig, I would really appreciate it. It could use some crits
here, My Dear, here it is