#1
Enjoy! This song is completely different than the previous one i posted, so dont be fooled by the opening line as it being the same.


So where is this going?
Why don’t you tell me?
Or are you afraid
That I’ll lose interest
With your bedroom eyes
And wrap-around legs
Incapacitated as they all were
Flailing before your
Inferior aptitude
Shake it off


Hiding in street corners
And empty halls
You know I’ve
Got you pinned
Nowhere to turn
Don’t try to run
Just to start it over
Nonchalantly walk away

Even when you promised
It was hollow
Every time you said “yes”
You became more shallow
Slither away
Contented at ease
Lie Litterer
You were warned

Chorus

No more alone
Stopped waiting by the phone
Left the nuisances
The inadequacy
For the leeway
I deserve
I was meant to have

Chorus

Sweet Dreams….
See through seams
Goodnight….
See you in a new light
Goodbye….
An eye for an eye


C4C!!!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
Last edited by PCADriven at Aug 15, 2009,
#2
Very nice, I like it, not really sure what kind of genre of music it's for, but overall they lyrical content is very nice.
#3
Quote by FreeManson15
Very nice, I like it, not really sure what kind of genre of music it's for, but overall they lyrical content is very nice.


Thank you, it would be like an alt rock pop punk song. I am currently working on the melody.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#4
Melody really is turning out to be a tough nut to crack on this song, I've never written something that doesnt have an obvious rhyming or just easy melody before. Whatever, I like a challenge.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#6
Quote by PCADriven
Enjoy! This song is completely different than the previous one i posted, so dont be fooled by the opening line as it being the same.


So where is this going?
Why don’t you tell me?
Or are you afraid
That I’ll lose interest
With your bedroom eyes
And wrap-around legs
Incapacitated as they all were
Flailing before your
Inferior aptitude
Shake it off
nice solid stanza. i like it. dont really have anything helpful to say about it

Hiding in street corners
And empty halls
You know I’ve
Got you pinned
Nowhere to turn
Don’t try to run
Just to start it over
Nonchalantly walk away
i like this. i like the image you get out of it. i dont really like "nonchalantly" though. i would want to change it to something like "just walk away" but then you'd have the word "just" in two lines one after another. i don't know...i just dont like the word "nonchalantly" for this.

Even when you promised
It was hollow
Every time you said “yes”
You became more shallow
Slither away
Contented at ease
Lie Litterer
You were warned
maybe change "when you promised" to :when you made promises." promised is a verb and needs a noun after it. i also don't like "lie litterer." i would change it to something else.

Chorus

No more alone
Stopped waiting by the phone
Left the nuisances
The inadequacy
For the leeway
I deserve
I was meant to have
i like it. i think its pretty solid

Chorus

Sweet Dreams….
See through seams
Goodnight….
See you in a new light
Goodbye….
An eye for an eye
the rhyming seemed too forced. i think you could do without it. or at least change the rhymes so they flow better.


C4C!!!

overall i'd say its pretty good. minus a few small things i like it. keep it up and thanks for the crit on mine.
Guitars:
Martin DSR acoustic
Fender Telecaster
Epiphone Les Paul
Amp:
Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Pedals:
535Q Crybaby>Fulltone OCD>Phase 90>EHX Big Muff>MXR Carbon Copy>EHX Holy Grail
You can call me Matt
#7
very nice peice.
i really like the chorus its very strong.
but, there is some small bits that seems like rhyming has been forced into it abit
but overall good peice
what music is going to go with?
#8
Thanks for the nice comments guys. I dont have any music on it right now but me and my band are working on it.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.