#1
I havent written a song in a while now but i just finished this one. Its kind of a slow acoustic song. WHen you read it the chorus just sounds repetitive and boring but it isnt with the music. Let me know what you all think of it.
C4C

Verse1:

I cant see when youre standing over me
And it hurts so bad not knowing anything
Now you got me where you want me
But theres nothing for you to gain
They call me Mr. Reliable
And nobody knows my name

Chorus:

No one knows my name
No one knows my name
No one knows my name
No one knows my name

Verse2:

Its too late now to fix what we’ve become
And theres no going back once the day is done
Dark fills up the sky again
And I’m waiting for the rain
They call me Mr. Reliable
And nobody knows my name

[Chorus]

Verse3:

Take the cover of clouds only to hide my face
Cause im not the one who you need to embrace
Looking in your lonely eyes
I hope you never see
They call me Mr. Reliable
But you cant count on me
Guitars:
Martin DSR acoustic
Fender Telecaster
Epiphone Les Paul
Amp:
Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Pedals:
535Q Crybaby>Fulltone OCD>Phase 90>EHX Big Muff>MXR Carbon Copy>EHX Holy Grail
You can call me Matt
Last edited by crzysnowborder at Oct 13, 2009,
#3
I loved the rhyme, and I liked everything but the last verse. The rhyme seemed forced, and it felt like you were just looking for a way to just squeeze a third verse out. But I could be wrong. Other than that, looks great. I would love to hear this recorded. Thanks for the crit on my piece.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Quote by crzysnowborder
I havent written a song in a while now but i just finished this one. Its kind of a slow acoustic song. WHen you read it the chorus just sounds repetitive and boring but it isnt with the music. Let me know what you all think of it.
C4C

Verse1:

I cant see when youre standing over me
And it hurts so bad when you dont know anything
Now you got me where you want me
And you know I know your pain
They call me Mr. Reliable
And nobody knows my name
It's probably the way I'm reading it but the second line seems like it doesn't go rhythm-wise (Not sure what the right word is) Hopefully you know what I mean.

Chorus:

No one knows my name
No one knows my name
No one knows my name
No one knows my name
I'll take your word that this doesn't sound repetitive

Verse2:

Its too late now to fix what we’ve become
And theres no going back once the day is done
Dark fills up the sky again
And I’m waiting for the rain
They call me Mr. Reliable
And nobody knows my name
This verse seems absolutely fine to me
[Chorus]

Verse3:

Take the cover of clouds only to hide my face
Cause im not the one who you need to embrace
Thinking of your lonely eyes
I hope you never see
They call me Mr. Reliable
But you cant count on me
Definitely my favourite verse lyric-wise
But I do agree with Ganoosh that the rhymes do seem a bit forced.
The change of the last line, "But you can't..." really works well and really sets the mood of the song.


All in all, really good song. I'd love to hear a recording of this, it really seems like something I'd like.
Username is from years ago, just saying
#6
Well done mate. I really liked your song, the verses were well written, the rhymes werent forced except for maybe a little bit in the last verse, im not sure if you meant that or not but you should look it over. I would maybe change the chorus, judging from the verses you could do better.

C4C? Sig.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#7
It captured me and kinda painted a picture in my mind. Also good rhymes and quite good in all. Would you critique my song...."The Deception of a Dream"
#8
Quote by crzysnowborder
Verse1:

I cant see when youre standing over me
And it hurts so bad when you dont know anything
Now you got me where you want me
And you know I know your pain
They call me Mr. Reliable
And nobody knows my name


I feel like the word "know" is used too often in this part. It gets kind of repetitive. I also think "Mr. Reliable" sounds kind of silly, at least for a slow acoustic based song. It's something that wouldn't be bad in kind of a light hearted thing, but when I think slow + acoustic I think at least semi-serious, and that seems to be the tone of the song.

Also I'm a huge rhyming whore, but I think that that ones throughout the song are a little forced and unecessary. At least, try to implement some internal rhyming, or make them flow off the tongue a little better. Some of the ones here feel a little "put there for the sake of rhyming" kind of rhymes, which I think impedes your train of thought when writing. Just let it all go when you write, if it rhymes well and naturally, then good, but if it doesn't, don't sit around thinking "what can I put that rhymes with pain?".
#9
i really like this piece especially the second and the third verse. the only thing i have a problem with, is:
"Now you got me where you want me
And you know I know your pain"

but i think you did a really good job on this.

maybe you can leave a short comment on mine: 'susanna'
#10
All the verses are really great. Very catchy. as far as the chorus goes, I write mostly hardcore/punk songs anyway so I'm not a prick about repetitiveness hah, sometimes a chorus can be more about music and the words being more instrumental than vocal. Overall very nice, I was kind of singing it to myself in my head as a country song though.
#11
its a relatively slow acoustic song. could even be folk if you throw in the right instruments
Guitars:
Martin DSR acoustic
Fender Telecaster
Epiphone Les Paul
Amp:
Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Pedals:
535Q Crybaby>Fulltone OCD>Phase 90>EHX Big Muff>MXR Carbon Copy>EHX Holy Grail
You can call me Matt