#1
C4C ( leave link )




She was stunned with how the sun
seemed to swallow the horizon.
But she won’t take her sunglasses off,
fearing she may become blind.
As she walked a line that looked
so invisible at the time,
her brain has been sacrificed
to some ancient roman god.

She never saw these things that clearer;
roads never had so many curves.
She deserved to see the color
you get when you mix red and blue.
And that guy in a uniform
opens his mouth but speaks in mute,
if you could read his lips now,
you’d see your life in white and black stripes.

You’re sweating in anxiety
and you exhale hotter than this sand.
The asphalt sways with these heat waves
that you don’t taste but burn your hand
and a green lizard gazes you
with that look of a judgment day.
You’re feeling you’re about to faint;
your body slowly dehydrates;
your blood almost blows up your veins;
your brain revives to go insane;
you die and then regenerate,
as your heels smash that lizard’s head.

So you take off his uniform
and fill his cock with that lipstick;
you never saw one come so fast.
As sperm and booze made you feel sick,
you puked next to a cactus
that killed itself when it was touched.
As your nails grew sharp as thorns
that opened wounds on scratched skin,
your car’s motor overheated,
the air stinks with burnt rubber
and the only thing you think
is what’s your seventh deadly sin.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Aug 16, 2009,
#2
Quote by seventh_angel


She was stunned with how the sun
seemed to swallow the horizon,
but she won’t take her sunglasses off,
I think that you may have changed tenses here, it seems a little awkward to me
fearing she may become blind.
As she walked a line that looked
so invisible at the time,
her brain has been sacrificed
to some ancient roman god.
where did the ancient roman gods come in here? I like that her brain has been sacrificed, but why the reference to roman gods?

She never saw these things that clearer;
roads never had so many curves.
I really like this line, both the wording and the concept
She deserved to see the color
you get when you mix red and blue.
And that guy in a uniform
opens his mouth but speaks in mute,
if you could read his lips now,
you’d see your life in white and black stripes.
I don't know what flow you have in mind, but i'd drop the word "stripes". I like the mute/black and white thing quite a bit.

You’re sweating in anxiety
and you exhale hotter than this sand.
The asphalt sways with these heat waves
Great internal rhyme
that you don’t taste but burn your hand
and a green lizard gazes you
with that look of a judgment day.
I like "look of a judgement day". green lizard not so much. Maybe choose a cooler adjective to describe it.
You’re feeling you’re about to faint;
your body slowly dehydrates;
your blood almost blows up your veins;
your brain revives to go insane;
Cool repetition!
you die and then regenerate,
as your heels smash that lizard’s head.
I don't really get these two lines... It's kinda late here so that could be why.

So you take off his uniform
and fill his cock with that lipstick;
you never saw one come so fast.
As sperm and booze made you feel sick,
you puked next to a cactus
that killed himself when it was touched.
As your nails grew sharp as thorns
that opened wounds on scratched skin,
cool imagery, and I like the alliteration.
your car’s motor overheated,
the air stinks with burnt rubber
and the only thing you think
is what’s your seventh deadly sin.
Very nice ending


I'm always very impressed with your work. Some parts seemed inspired, others seemed forced. Overall very creative and interesting, very much enjoyed reading it.
#3
I'm no songwriter, but from an everyman's perspective... There were some really strong parts, and then really weak parts.

In my opinion, the first two stanzas were the weakest. The rhyme of sun and horizon in the first two lines felt a bit forced: I think it's because they sound almost too similar. Also, lines 4 to 8 change verb tense a couple times (she walked a line, but her brain has been) and generally seem a bit jerky.

The second stanza definitely picks up a bit. The only thing I would recommend is to change "the color you get when you mix red and blue" to "the color that comes from mixing red and blue", but that's more a stylistic choice then anything else...

After that I felt like this really hit it's stride. I second everything Skaliveson said, including the stuff about the lizard and the last tow lines of the third stanza, but I really liked it.

The only thing in the 4th stanza that bugged me was you referred to the cactus as both it and him (I think)... Other then that, I liked it a lot, particularly the ending.

Definitely a lot of good stuff here. This could send really cool done partially spoken, too: possibly the first two stanzas? Anyway, lots of good stuff.

I'm holding you to that C4C, since I've got 30 some-odd views and no feedback...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1182985
Thanks in advance, and again, good stuff here (from my completely untrained eye, at least... You can read my writing and then see how much of my advice you want to take, haha.)
#5
Great imagery was used in this song, though it was confusing if you dont read it at least twice. You use some very abstract concepts mixed in with blunt ones and it can be a bit much to process. However, with some music behind it, shouldnt be a problem in the least. Rather interesting way to get your point across with all the lizard references.

C4C? Sig.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.