A bottle top bends between fingers,
never bouncing back.
a safety God sympathises for.
Ornamented on a wall, it
gathers dust,
static and single.
But hating physics for being what it is
is foolish. There's nothing
more that I'd like to do
than elasticate my life,
coat friends in rubber
and keep them on a string.
Because what is rounded and useful
can easily become pointed and useless.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 17, 2009,
Lots of good ideas and lines... but as a whole, this just missed for me.

there was something so lovely and tangible and potent in this; but it didn't shine through; which is a shame because it seemed like it could be awesome. I'm not even sure what the problem is... maybe just the seemingly huge gaps between the three stanzas... they don't tie very well and I think that is the cause of most of hte issue.
I'm hoping you'll be able to figure it out for yourself, cause I'll be no use, but you have wonderful lines and ideas, often amazing liens and ideas, but they never flow into each other comfortably. Some of the line break here are a bit uncomfortable too. I dunno,e ach stanza feels like a different piece and each line feels like a different stanza, there's no seamlessness.
The middle stanza seems WAY out of place. I can kinda see the connection between 1st and 3rd, but there's a huge gap in the middle. You need to try to tie it together a little better.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black