#1
hi all. first post in s&l for me. let me know what you think and leave links i'll gladly c4c
thanks

a straight backed chair faces the wall,
the clock perched behind me.
no need to look, only
two minutes have passed
instead, i watch dim waves waltz above the fan
each stroke of the blade momentarily
making masterpieces rise and fall from the plaster.
mutinous feet tap; silently at first,
but slowly growing to accompany the clock and the heart.
thoughts come and go in spasmic flow,
like a generator running out of gas
choked out, then coughing, struggling back to life.
standing, my mind slowly swims back to consciousness;
the trance falling away as if tied round my shoulders.
on the other side of the door
the world awaits
and i wonder;
does it matter whether i cross the threshold today?
Last edited by mustangjay at Aug 17, 2009,
#5
good job.really good images and language.keep it up
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#6
I'm at a desk, but not really, in a room filled with grandfather clocks and poisonous mushrooms, tapping my feet to the drummer they always said was different. I just thought he had a more interesting beat. I can watch something tragic be created from simple observation and be vicariously proud of it.

If Ayn Rand was any more hip-hop than she let on, I'd fuel her with this flow of generated beats gone terribly, wretchedly wrong and she'd answer me with questions of the world beyond my current perspective. What is it about those two minutes? They can pass without notice or pass with an eternity in tow, and we're just as grateful once they disappear.

You've got a really great piece here, my friend. Keep it up.
#7
This was a genuinely fascinating read. The only two sections I found irksome were...

"two minutes have passed
instead, i watch..."

-"instead", although adding tension, absorbs the flow a little too extensively.

"does it matter whether i cross the threshold today?"
-and this is a very off-putting. But I like the way you ended it with a question. I suppose, it's just the question itself that feels too distant from the rest of the poem.
#8
I'm giong to be a bit of a black sheep and killjoy here. First, I will say that this was a good piece. However, it often felt like you were trying too hard to be overly poetic. The tone and imagery didn't feel natural and seamless, which made it sometimes uncomfortable to read. Also, imagery like "making masterpieces" and the generator coughing and spluttering, are rather poetic cliches. However, there were really good moments here too. When the sonics really get going and the pace leaps, this is brilliant. It's just the moments where it lags and feels forced that let this down. If you wanna return the favour, just click "no" in my sig.
#9
thanks everybody.

this is the first piece i've done in a while. english comp kinda killed my desire to write. i know the line breaks and overall flow are huge issues that will have to be addressed in my later work. the refernce to the generator was because it was the first thing i thought of. u can shut off the gas and they'll still run for five minutes.
#10
Quote by kdownes
I However, it often felt like you were trying too hard to be overly poetic. The tone and imagery didn't feel natural and seamless, which made it sometimes uncomfortable to read. Also, imagery like "making masterpieces" and the generator coughing and spluttering, are rather poetic cliches. However, there were really good moments here too. When the sonics really get going and the pace leaps, this is brilliant. It's just the moments where it lags and feels forced that let this down.



This man stole the words right out of my mouth. The parts that lagged were very soul grinding to read. They stole away the genius the other parts really created and maintained. I wanted so badly for you to just keep that pace and fluidity that the other parts contained. I wanted to like it, but the parts that weren't up to par were so rough... I just couldn't dig it the way I should have.



-zC