#1
I painted myself red today
and dusted off my lonely heart.
It started beating again today, that useless little heart.
The feeling of blood
pumping through my thirsty veins
was familiar, and refreshing
compared to the usual battery acid.
I painted myself red today
and ripped out my fragile heart.
The warm, reassuring pulse
rippled through my skin and swam up my arms,
permeating everything I touched.
I painted myself red today
and offered you my tender heart.
If you want,
you can tear it apart.
I wouldn’t mind, I’m sure it wouldn’t care.
It wouldn’t be anything that hasn’t happened before.



So let’s get carried away and destroy each others lives.
We’ll paint each other red.
Blood red,
with the blood on our hands.
I’ll shatter your soul
and you,
you can starve mine to death.
Yeah, let’s obliterate who we are, our very identities,
and we’ll have the time of our lives doing it.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Aug 17, 2009,
#2
your sig's link is messed up, but other than that, its pretty good
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TSHM.
#3
this is pretty cool. im not sure why but for some reason i just like the phrase "i painted myself red today." It just sounds cool to me. The third part of the first stanza is my favorite i think. I like the expression of apathy. That also goes for the second stanza. I really like how you worded everything throughout it.
Overall i think its really good. keep it up.

if you could crit mine that'd be great. thanks
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You can call me Matt
#4
Thanks for the crit.

I'll get right on that.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Quote by Ganoosh
I painted myself red today
and dusted off my lonely heart.
It started beating again today, that useless little heart.
And the feeling of blood
pumping through my thirsty veins
was familiar, and refreshing
compared to the usual battery acid.
I like your repetition of "today", but I would of liked to of seen more of it, as a technique. Because of that, though, I expect it would outmatch it if you totally removed them. If you don't go all the way, don't do it at all.
The flow wasn't particularly liquid-like, but nothing to really worry about.

I painted myself red today
and ripped out my fragile heart.
The warm, reassuring pulse
rippled through my skin and swam up my arms,
and permeated everything I touched.
I'd take out "and" and use permeating instead.
I painted myself red today
and offered you my tender heart.
If you want,
you can tear it apart.
I wouldn’t mind, and I’m sure it wouldn’t care.
It wouldn’t be anything that hasn’t happened before.
You write like me. I'm trying to change that, but it's difficult. Using conversational terms, gaps and voices can often add so much to a piece, but most so often than not, they come across as unimportant lazy. I'd advice you take out all the "if you want's", and "and's". I can see the relevance of the "I wouldn't mind", though: it displays your disconnection with your heart; that you are two separate entities. Other than that, condense

The break to this section was very effortless and worked surprisingly well.


So let’s get carried away, and destroy each others lives.
There is no need for a comma here. It obstructs the flow.
We’ll paint each other red.
Blood red,
with the blood on our hands.
I'm not keen on the repetition of "blood". I don't see it's importance... other than to flow... which seems strained.

I’ll shatter your soul
and you,
you can starve mine to death.
Yeah, let’s obliterate who we are, our very identities,
and we’ll have the time of our lives doing it.
These last two lines are the only examples thus far that demonstrate how common linguistic terms can add depth and tone: in this case, cynicism and jadedness.

I think you need to learn how to use nothing but what is important.

I loved the idea, though, and the piece was solid enough to enjoy. Thanks for getting to mine.
#6
Wow, thanks man. I've made a few changes based on what you said. I kinda feel bad because I wrote a grand total of three sentences of critique on yours, and you came here and tore mine apart.

And yes, "Learning how to use nothing but what is important" is my major problem right now. I've had someone say that to me in the last three pieces I have posted at least once. I'm definitely going to try to work on that in the next thing I write.


Thanks for the crit.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#9
Blood was obvious to me. I figured that you were getting to that the whole time.
You didn't need to say it.

Apart from that, Dan's critique was very good.

'nuff said.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#10
Quote by #1 synth
^ I find it sick you take such pride in upsetting Ganoosh, sick I say!



You find it sick? I'm still crying.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#11
I thought it was repeating the line "i painted myself red today" was a great technique because i was able to see this chronology of sorts forming. That is, after the first time, the narrator dusts off his/her heart; then after the second time, he/she rips it out of his/her chest; finally, after the third time, the narrator gives it willingly to the subject of the piece to have their way with it. I thought you made the chronicled the narrator's actions in a very unique way.

In the last stanza, I agree with AngryGoldfish that the repetition of "blood" didn't do much for me, although I did find the image of these two people painting one another red with the blood on their hands poignant. I just feel it could've been said better.

The last thing I wanted to comment on this piece was the tone of the last stanza. I couldn't help but sense some sarcasm from the narrator. It was a tone that I felt was very fitting for the content of the piece so I wanted to say good job about that.

All in all, I enjoyed it a lot. There weren't any glaring problems with it. Just some nit-picky stuff that tie the loose ends. Thanks for looking at mine, by the way.
here, My Dear, here it is
#12
really enjoyed this peice. like the repitition of I painted myself red today works as a great effect. nothing bad with it.
keep up the good work(Y)