#1
c4c


In a perfect world
there are four corners to every room.
None of this six or twelve bullshit.
We live in squares,
forget architecture and art
we are squares.
There is safety in familiarity;
in washed white walls,
pictureless
pristine
perfect.
Never an unknown,
no window to distract
no clouds
no impact.

There's no sky when we live inside
a cube of strength.
No frailty or disease.
Just me and my brain.
Just me and my ego.
Just me and...
just me.

God its lonely inside my head.
#4
This is perhaps my favorite thing I've read of you.
A few nit-picky things:
"we are squares" I didn't care for this. The repetition felt too soon.
"in washed white walls," I'd have preferred "white, washed walls" instead.
"...when we live inside a cube of strength." Here you've added another dimension. In a 3d cube there would be more than the 4 corners that you claim we are living in.

The 'distract/impact' rhyme went smoothly and surprised me, I don't recall you rhyming much.

The ending dragged on a wee bit but it was beneficial. In my opinion it did add to the feel of the piece.

Very nice sir; Very nice.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Aug 17, 2009,
#7
Just seemed redundant to me and watered down the sentiments of the last stanza by oversaturating them as oppose to hitting them home. I definitely see what you're saying though Kyle and definitely agree to a certain extent.
#8
It's a great way of metaphorising our mind with a room (partly). The lyrics are confusing, but in a good way that is, I love lyrics like this. Great alliteration with pictureless pristine perfect. I'd change the last line a bit, it seems a bit too depressing now, like there's no longer a reason to live...
Gear:
Fender Jazzmaster
Boss DS-2
Digitech RP150 (with Line6 EX-1 Exp pedal)
Orange Crush 30R


My Youtube Page
Read this!You know you really want to...

#10
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


In a perfect world
there are four corners to every room.
Maybe this could be written as:
"in a perfect world there are four
corners to every room"

-thus accentuating the abruptness and rigidity of the imagery. It may also help the flow feel a little more easy on the eyes and ears. As it is, it seems overly obscure for standard speech, which is what you use for practically the entire piece.

None of this six or twelve bullshit.
We live in squares,
forget architecture and art
we are squares.
I really like this, but it feels like "we are squares" should of been made more prominent and muscular. Maybe a line break? Maybe capitalization? Maybe more punctuation? It's not necessarily a bad thing as it is... I can always take more of an advantage of my imagination.
There is safety in familiarity;
As said, this lines seems a excessively exploited.

in washed white walls,
I see why you twisted the words around - and it's cool - but it doesn't flow very well. I'm just pointing it out... not asking you to change anything.

pictureless
pristine
perfect.
Never an unknown,
no window to distract
no clouds
no impact.
These don't flow very well. It also feels a little redundant; like you're repeating an idea that is already concreted into my thoughts.


There's no sky when we live inside
a cube of strength.
No frailty or disease.
Just me and my brain.
Just me and my ego.
Just me and...
just me.
Apart from the last two "just me's" this is also overly repetitious. You're breaking it from the previous verse, yet to me, you're not saying anything new. The ending was already predicted, so why bring attention to it? Just let it conclude silently.

God its lonely inside my head.
Same goes for this.
I enjoyed the idea loads, but the repetition didn't really do anything for me.
#11
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I enjoyed the idea loads, but the repetition didn't really do anything for me.



Thanks for the deep critique Dan. One thing I'd like to point out as this was a forefront idea when I wrote it is this. I title this length x width x height; which is the volume of any 3 Dimensional shape. However, if we are all squares, our lives will have length and width of equal dimension; or if we are cubes, our lives will have length, width, and height be of equal value; thus creating a repetition in the formula. Not that I would expect anyone to get to that; but there was a method behind all the repetition. In the poem, there were three stanzas; each projecting an equal net value about feeling alone... etc etc.

I appreciate all your comments everyone. Leave me links.
#12
Quote by ZanasCross
I title this length x width x height; which is the volume of any 3 Dimensional shape. However, if we are all squares, our lives will have length and width of equal dimension; or if we are cubes, our lives will have length, width, and height be of equal value; thus creating a repetition in the formula. Not that I would expect anyone to get to that; but there was a method behind all the repetition. In the poem, there were three stanzas; each projecting an equal net value about feeling alone... etc etc.



I think, from a readers perspective, that this is the problem with this piece. The idea is so abstract and hidden that the reader doesn't even understand the meaning of the piece, and it just comes across as a bunch of pretty words when it really actually means something. Now that you explain it, I love the idea. But on the first three reads before I scrolled down and saw this explanation, it was just another set of good-looking words to me.

Of course, you write for you, so it shouldn't matter if nobody else understands it, but that was really my only problem with it. Also, I would put a comma after God in the very last line.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#13
I scratched the surface on what you're saying.
However, you use the word equal quite a few times in your description.
I believe it to all be more rectangular/varying, if you understand what I mean.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#14
Quote by Ganoosh
I think, from a readers perspective, that this is the problem with this piece. The idea is so abstract and hidden that the reader doesn't even understand the meaning of the piece, and it just comes across as a bunch of pretty words when it really actually means something. Now that you explain it, I love the idea. But on the first three reads before I scrolled down and saw this explanation, it was just another set of good-looking words to me.


I'd like to think there was more on the surface that you could read into than just what I brought underneath. The underneath was purely for me; but the surface was there for someone else too.
#15
Quote by ZanasCross
I'd like to think there was more on the surface that you could read into than just what I brought underneath. The underneath was purely for me; but the surface was there for someone else too.



Of course there was, and I really enjoyed it. But when you explained all the subliminal stuff, I wished I had picked up on that the first time around because it would have been a much better read than it was. Oh well, it was a great piece of writing all the same.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#16
Well, that's the beauty, and often difficulty, in writing. Making sure that what you want from a piece will actually be enough for what anybody else wants from a piece. It's what I'm struggling to get a hold of.
To me, this didn't quite do it like it normally would.
#17
None of this six or twelve bullshit.

It think this line weakens the piece as a whole.
It changes the voice.
Too ascerbic / ranty / common.
Maybe something like"
Not six or twelve. Four.

idk.

The fadeout through truncation in S2 is lovely.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#19
I don't really see any rhythm, looks more like a poem than a song, but it's a great ****ing poem =]
#20


justtosay.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!