#1
Hello all and thanks for taking time to critique my piece. This is pretty much my first attempt at any type of songwriting so I'd like any and all comments to be as blunt and honest as possible. I would greatly appreciate any suggestions and/or tips to help me further improve my piece and my writing ability.

House Of Cards

Verse 1
Play with what you're dealt
It's that way for a reason
Don't gamble with what you could have gotten
Gamble with what you're given

Verse 2
Lady luck had gazed upon me
And opened her arms wide
I thought I didn't need her help
And pushed her to the side

Chorus
So I play the Jester
In a deck of 52
I could've been the King
Sitting next to you
Now I'm the one who's folded
My life is now in shards
It's all coming down on me
Like a house of cards

Verse 3
All my chips have vanished
I see that I was blind
Lady Luck had chosen me
She had been denied

Chorus
So I play the Jester
In a deck of 52
I could've been the King
Sitting next to you
Now I'm the one who's folded
My life is now in shards
It's all coming down on me
Like a house of cards

Outro
I was such a fool
I should have let luck stay
I was dealt the world
I threw it all away
"I'm sick of following my dreams man. I'm just ask where they're going, and hook up with them later."
#2
Not too shabby at all actually, but there are some things I'd change.
Now I'm the one who's folded
I'd change folded to fooled, I think it fits better with Jester and all (except if that's not the message you're trying to bring across)

I also see some rhymes, this is good, but sometimes it's a bit forced. Perhaps change 'shards' to 'pieces'. Again, it's all up to you.

Good stuff for first lyrics!
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#3
Hmm, I like it! I think it could fit well with an actual song, not like those too-common cases of amateur lyrics that try to cram in 5-syllable words into every line in an effort to seem intellectual and cool. It's "simple" yet not in a demeaning way; it's kind of poetic without being too direct so it works really well, in my opinion. Well done!
#4
This is not bad for a first attempt. I feel like you kind of abused the cards metaphor though, it feels as played out as possible here. It's good to have a couple of witty lines here and there surrounding the theme, but I prefer to not see almost every section relating to your theme/metaphor. You had a good idea, but it feels a little oversaturated for my tastes.
#5
Quote by Six_One_Zipp
Hello all and thanks for taking time to critique my piece. This is pretty much my first attempt at any type of songwriting so I'd like any and all comments to be as blunt and honest as possible. I would greatly appreciate any suggestions and/or tips to help me further improve my piece and my writing ability.

I'll apologize in advance for any amount of incoherant rambling or overly critical critiquing that follows.

House Of Cards

The title caught my attention right away since I have a particular fancy for card-related themes.

Verse 1
Play with what you're dealt
It's that way for a reason
Don't gamble with what you could have gotten
Gamble with what you're given
The first 2 lines are good. The next two are as well but I feel like you could get a better line in here that has more to do with luck that ties in with the first two, and in effect fits in the songs a bit better.

Verse 2
Lady luck had gazed upon me
And opened her arms wide
I thought I didn't need her help
And pushed her to the side
Good.

Chorus
So I play the Jester
In a deck of 52
I could've been the King
Sitting next to you
Now I'm the one who's folded
My life is now in shards This line doesn't feel right to me in a chorus full of card terms.
It's all coming down on me
Like a house of cards
Solid chorus. With the exception of that one line, well done with the card terms as similes...err...metaphors....err...whatever the word that means literary representation is.

Verse 3
All my chips have vanished
I see that I was blind
Lady Luck had chosen me
She had been denied
This verse is, in my opinion, the weakest stanza of the song. It makes sense, but it doesn't flow as well as the rest of the song does. My advice is to keep the idea of this stanza but try and word it in a more fluid manner.

Chorus
So I play the Jester
In a deck of 52
I could've been the King
Sitting next to you
Now I'm the one who's folded
My life is now in shards
It's all coming down on me
Like a house of cards

Outro
I was such a fool
I should have let luck stay
I was dealt the world
I threw it all away
Four lines starting with "I".....typically I don't like it but it fits in this stanza. I would change "threw" in the last line to "gambled" to keep with the card theme. Other than that, pretty solid ending.

Overall, I enjoyed it. That could be partially due to my lyric fetish of card themes, but mostly because it is rather well written. And I must admit, I'm very impressed with this as far as first songs go. With a few revisions, this is a very, very solid song. Nice job!

P.S: Nice avatar!
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Last edited by Natrone at Aug 18, 2009,
#6
Thanks everyone for taking their time to critique. I've taken what you've all said into consideration and I'll start working on revising my piece. I'll also get around to critiquing your pieces as well sometime this week.
"I'm sick of following my dreams man. I'm just ask where they're going, and hook up with them later."
#7
Don't worry about critiquing mine. I've only got two pieces up and I consider them WIP.
Quote by necrosis1193
As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

Quote by Silverstein14
man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


Quote by gregs1020
plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray