#1
(Intro Guitar RIff)

Born to the black sheep,
Thats what I've been told,
Born to the black sheep,
A man who broke the mold,

A man who took it among himself to dismantle society,
Pledges with the constant stuggle of anxiety and neuropathy,
Another way of contemplation an antithetic anatomy,
A pecuiliar astute a sight to truly see,

(Intro Guitar Riff)

A man who married young and a raised a family,
The family grew older and adapted to the man's abnormalities,
Half a century passed a lock to a different key,
The hidden carcass under the piling debris,

(Intro Guitar Riff) (Guitar Solo)

Born to the black sheep,
Thats what ive been told,
Born to the black sheep,
A man who broke the mold,

An obscenity to the average mind,
Something i will never truly understand,
Quote by Strings?!

I quote myself.
#3
first im gonna steal that song
then make a hit song out of it
then not give you credit for it
then send you emails about how i stole your song and got rich off it
then you'll be so depressed you'll commit suicide
and that's a pwn if i ever saw one.
#4
Quote by JOE_DESTROYER
first im gonna steal that song
then make a hit song out of it
then not give you credit for it
then send you emails about how i stole your song and got rich off it
then you'll be so depressed you'll commit suicide
and that's a pwn if i ever saw one.


is this a compliment?
Quote by Strings?!

I quote myself.
#5
i dont really like how every end of the line rhymes. seems way too forced for my taste.
i like the first little stanza up until the 4th line. i like having it rhyme with "told" but for my, "a man who broke the mold" just doesnt work for me. however i may be completely wrong and it could be brilliant.
actually...now that i reread it i like it. scratch what i just said. finally i really like the last 2 lines. it reminds me of Poe.
overall i think its pretty good. i like the content, just not the rhyme scheme for the two verses.

thanks for the crit.
Guitars:
Martin DSR acoustic
Fender Telecaster
Epiphone Les Paul
Amp:
Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Pedals:
535Q Crybaby>Fulltone OCD>Phase 90>EHX Big Muff>MXR Carbon Copy>EHX Holy Grail
You can call me Matt
#6
Pretty solid. I'm a pretty inexperienced songwriter, but I liked it a lot. My only complaints were the rhymes occasionally feel a bit forced... "Told" and "mold", as someone above me said, as well as "family" and "abnormality", but someone above me said that. Also, "a sight to truly see" in my opinion doesn't flow very well: the order of sounds (s-t-t-s; sight to truly see) just seems strange to me. If you re-worded it it seems like it could be a good line. A true sight to see? Just a thought.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1182985
#7
I think you're trying to use too many long words which don't fit the rhythm, but besides that, it's alright. I liked the first verse the most.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#8
hey man sorry it took so long to get back. i liked this a lot and started to groove with it after the second stanza. in the second i'm not sure if "and neuropathy" makes it too drawn out, or if it the way i'm reading the lyrics with out music. other than that, i would love to see more of this. do you plan to write more for it? because i deffinately like where this is going
#9
To be frank, as a song this did very little for me. It was stumbly... as I read along it didn't just flow off the tongue or bounce or anything. There was no flow, no rhythm to it. If I were to treat it as just a piece of poetry, it also doesn't do a whole lot. Seems like it gets to caught up in its own diction. Choosing words that sound "impressive" but don't really express a whole lot. Typically its a mistake that people who are "new" to writing make. They (myself included) try to increase the sophistication of their writing by using words that make them sound intelligent, instead of just writing fluidly. There are obviously exceptions, but I didn't feel this was one. It felt over-indulgent on vocabulary and weak when it comes to content. Beyond that, your chorus is so... different... from the rest of the stanzas; not in a good way. It sticks out as a weak point... sounds underdeveloped and the rhymes are cheesy.

By creating such a margin between your chorus and hte rest of your piece you really alienated the chorus and made it seem horribly underdeveloped and made the rest of the "big word stanzas" seem pretentious and un-emotional.

Hope that all makes sense. Thanks for hitting mine.

-zC