#1
you took me outside
and started making a snow angel.
"Won't you make a snowman for her?" you said
while the december air gripped my body
and whipped my head.
I flashed you my bare hands,
already bitten by the wind,
and asked,
"Now what do you think?"
not expecting an answer good enough
to keep me out there for long.

and you didn't give me one,
so I waddled back inside
leaving you
to make an army for heaven.


but now
everysooften,
when the city's asleep on a blistering winter's night,
I walk underneath the halo
of an empty streetlight and pray.
I pray she's found a saint,
who'd withstand whatever weather
with no complaints.

and as my feet become one with the asphalt
I reflect on a single, sad thought
'til the break of day:

men like me,
even those made of snow,
are not for angels.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Aug 17, 2009,
#2
I like it man, very good!
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+ ****ing 1


i've got a point

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No,they're to high end for me.I usually just walk into a random building and scream "FIX MY BANJO NOW!!!!" until they hit me with sticks and call the police.


TSHM.
#3
For now, I'll say that I loved this. I didn't like some word choices, and the second half was much, much better than the first half. But when you put it together, it makes a very, very good piece. Keep it up. I didn't have much time, so I'll come back later today and see if there's anything I can add, but I doubt there will be.

You are becoming one of my favorite writers on here.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
Didn't like "massiveness" at all, really really pathetic word choice, you can think of something better. Show not tell as my friend dylan says. And the two "expects" right after the other at the start is clumsy. Otherwise, it was decent. Maybe even good. But you've done much better. When can we see more Miles?
#5
@Ganoosh: I'm flattered I also see you have a new piece so I'll get to that as soon as I can.

@kdownes: I'm trying to recharge the batteries for the last two Miles pieces. I wanted them to come out naturally and have to force them just to complete a project. I'm just waiting for the time when I feel compelled and inspired to listen to his music and I'll go from there. Thanks for your suggestions too.
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
This is a really powerful piece, just reading it once I could tell that a huge amount of emotion went into writing this. It is simple but that is what makes the piece so wonderful, it flows beautifully not once did I have to stop to re-read any part of it because it made perfect sense straightwawy, good job man.
#7
Like some other have said, I feel there were some poor word choices. There were some portions that seemed to flow better than others. The rhymes littered throughout are well written, but most of all I really enjoyed the theme as well as the way it was delivered. Very clever use of imagery.
#8
I thought this was great. It was just long enough as it needed to be, and I didn't feel at any point I was getting bored or thought there could have been more detail. Something to pay attention to though:

while the december air gripped my body
and whipped my head.


Here it's hard to tell if you're saying the wind whipped your head, or if you just whipped your head after the air gripped your body. It's kind of a bad break and structure of the sentence, as it can be interpretted in two ways, though it would be one hell of a wind to whip your head I suppose. Just something to keep in mind when writing, as I tend to get confused/stumble around statments like this.

Good job, looking forward to more from you for awhile.
#9
thanks for the kind words from everyone. I went back in and tried to repair any places that I felt was lacking in terms of word choice. I appreciate the suggestions
here, My Dear, here it is
#10
Mmmm.. That's amazing.. I think this is my favorite piece I've read on here. I read it a couple of nights ago when it was first posted as well.. It didn't strike me as strong then, but now with the edits, it's 100% perfect in my opinion. I love it.
"We programmed in death...A thousand needles lie here to inject their lies."
#12
Lovely, I really liked this. If I had to pick at anything it would be where some of the line breaks are, but it's not very noticeable wrapped within the human, bittersweet sway
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#16
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#18
Well deserved.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#19
This is great, congrats.
One thing that's nagged me while reading it... "everysooften". Doing that kind of thing is a stylistic choice, I guess. Some people will be fine with it and some people won't like it. I'm just of the latter group.

Other than that, great. Loved the ending
#20
This was a fantastic read. Very well deserved. I was right about you all along, which is a great feeling
Edit: By the way, the title is just fine and quite perfect for the piece itself. It definitely doesn't need to be changed.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Aug 24, 2009,