#1
Genre = hardcore, I've been writing for a metalcore project. This ones incomplete mind you. I'm going to let it sit for a week or so before working on it again.


I'm in love with the hope
that a better day will come
it's another tragedy
it seems I can't escape from

you're running late
your apathy's
pulling you undone
at a rapid rate,
theres nothing left of you

(breakdown)
There's a little window
at the top of the stairs
I break the glass
and taste the air
this is my way out
I take the leap
rest in pieces


(breakdown)
Last edited by FreeManson15 at Aug 23, 2009,
#3
i like it. its not a lyrical masterpiece or anything but i mean, it doesnt have to be.
i really liked the first line. the "I'm in love with...hope" sounds cool. also the last 4 lines flow well and i think sound pretty good, even though it is a little cliche. probably the wrong word but you know what i mean.
overall i think its good and it'll work for a hardcore song.

if you could crit mine that'd be great. thanks.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1183463
Guitars:
Martin DSR acoustic
Fender Telecaster
Epiphone Les Paul
Amp:
Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Pedals:
535Q Crybaby>Fulltone OCD>Phase 90>EHX Big Muff>MXR Carbon Copy>EHX Holy Grail
You can call me Matt
#4
I'm in love with the hope
that a better day will come
it's another tragedy
it seems I can't escape from
I love the energy here; It's bristling with fuck-you posture. I am ordinarily quite adverse to that sort of pretentiousness, but in this case, it seems so fun and enjoyable to read that I don't worry whether it's genuine or not. You captured hopelessness very well, but also demonstrated how carefree someone can/should be towards that despair.


resign to your fate
you can't stand,
what you have become
this charge is nothing
to the case yet to come
I don't like the first line – It's clichéd. The last two lines were similarly poor. What is the relevance of a court justice system? Okay, I can see it's all about rebelliousness and stickin' it to the man but it's so boring and clichéd. And it fails to relate to anything else in the piece. All we see is pussy-footed anger. When I read your first verse I thought this is a guy who knows what hardcore is. But then this verse is making me think you may not.


(breakdown)

I'm banging walls
I'll scream and shout
tell all these chains
I'm breaking out
The second line is fugly. It's a cheesy way to end it, but it suits the conspicuous attitude of the opening stanza.


Get rid of the clichés and bring me some more genuine, over-the-top humoured attitude.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I'm in love with the hope
that a better day will come
it's another tragedy
it seems I can't escape from
I love the energy here; It's bristling with fuck-you posture. I am ordinarily quite adverse to that sort of pretentiousness, but in this case, it seems so fun and enjoyable to read that I don't worry whether it's genuine or not. You captured hopelessness very well, but also demonstrated how carefree someone can/should be towards that despair.


resign to your fate
you can't stand,
what you have become
this charge is nothing
to the case yet to come
I don't like the first line – It's clichéd. The last two lines were similarly poor. What is the relevance of a court justice system? Okay, I can see it's all about rebelliousness and stickin' it to the man but it's so boring and clichéd. And it fails to relate to anything else in the piece. All we see is pussy-footed anger. When I read your first verse I thought this is a guy who knows what hardcore is. But then this verse is making me think you may not.


(breakdown)

I'm banging walls
I'll scream and shout
tell all these chains
I'm breaking out
The second line is fugly. It's a cheesy way to end it, but it suits the conspicuous attitude of the opening stanza.


Get rid of the clichés and bring me some more genuine, over-the-top humoured attitude.



completely changed everything except the first verse now, and did some minor adaptations to the instrumentations to make the last part better. let me know what you think
#6
I'm in love with the hope
that a better day will come
it's another tragedy
it seems I can't escape from

you're running late
your apathy's
pulling you undone
it's time to escape
Find something other than "it's time to escape".
the shell you come from
Shouldn't this be "came"?

(breakdown)
There's a little window
at the top of the stairs
I break the glass
and taste the air
this my way out
This should have an "is", I think.

I take the leap
rest in...pieces
Take out "in... pieces".

This is fine, but you need something to act as a transition from the second verse to the third. It's too much of a jump in scenario.