#1
It seems that the pit is lacking in just classic joke threads.

No videos, no pictures (Unless related), just pure jokes, like how they used to be. So come on in, have a laugh, post your own jokes or any funny stories

I'll start us off:

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion – PRICELESS
#5
Diegarbage man
Quote by Fucking loads of people who were appeasing me in order for me to write
blues_to_thrash, you are the master of epic lulz



My Music


2K11
#7
I went out with a girl Who can cook...

that was he name, she was chinese.
---------------------------
Main gear
Prs Custom 22
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Trex OD, MXR Super Comp
Korg Pitch Black, MXR Carbon Copy.
PedalTrain 2 (soft case)
#8
Mock the week?, no live at the apollo
Quote by Fucking loads of people who were appeasing me in order for me to write
blues_to_thrash, you are the master of epic lulz



My Music


2K11
#9
Quote by DieGarbageMan
Why did the chicken cross the road?


to leave this thread



That's the greatest joke I've heard.


EVAR!


Also, to contribute...


What's brown and looks good on a ******?


A Doberman..


Oh wait, we're not in the "Jokes That Will Make Me Go To Hell" Thread..
I think its time to pack your things lets go,
To a place where we both know,
And dont worry, I'll drive real slow,
Spend some time before we go..
Last edited by Wells-Zeppelin at Aug 17, 2009,
#10
Anecdote time,:

I was about six years old and my family was travelling through Europe. We were in Paris Central Station and on our way to Eurodisney, as you can imagine I was incredibly excited, and in this state, and at that time, I had an obsession with pressing every button I could. Elevators, ATM machines, science exhibits, everything I could get my hands on.

While we were at the station I noticed a button; not just any button though. It was large and red, and sat on a sizeable yellow box with what looked like a speaker on it. As soon as I saw it, I couldn't stop myself, I cleaved away from my family as we passed a large group of people and walked straight to this mythical red button. It was above my head height, but I strained to reach it, and reach it I did.

With one swoop of my fist and pressed it in and in minutes the entire station was emptied ... it was the emergency button.
#11
whats worse than getting raped by jack the ripper?

getting fingered by captain hook
GEAR:

Jackson dk2m


Marshall jcm2000 dsl


Schecter omen6 diamond series


#15
So what do you call a million black people buried up to their hairline in a field?


Afro-turf.


Am no racist.
An Augmented 4th or a Diminished 5th?


Quote by I.O.T.M
You, fine sir, have impeccable taste.


Ahhhh Yuck Fou.
#16
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,

but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20"

on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday,

he found that his card had been returned..
Added to it was this cryptic message : "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins with : "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads : "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
#17
I have a funny joke

Whats the difference between my fridge and a baby

My fridge doesn't cry when I stick my meat in it.
Originally Posted by neopowell
I'm perfectly capable of rating my own poo, I don't need a website to help me. I've devised strict criteria based on texture, smell, ease of passing and numerous other factors. It's even colour-coded.


ಠ_ಠ
#18
A chav and a wigger jump off a cliff to have a race to the bottom. Who wins?


Society.


What does a baby in a blender look like?


I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
#22
2 prostitutes are having a chat about their lives...

"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
#23
RUDE JOKE


3 prostitutes are in a bar talking about sex. The subject matter moves onto fingering.

"I can fit 3 fingers in myself" the first prostitute says

"Is that all? I can fit my entire fist in myself" the second prostitute says

"What about you?" the third prostitutes is asked

Looking back at the first and second she drew a smile as she slid down on the stool she sat on.
#24
Alright.

A woman finds a genie, who grants her one wish.
She says, "See my cat? I wish he was a nice handsome strong man."
The genie grants her wish, turning the cat into a clone of Brad Pitt. The woman is ecstatic, she jumps onto his lap and says, "Is there anything you want to say before we make love?"
The man says "Yeah, you shouldn't have neutered me two weeks ago"
#25
Quote by pawnshopguitars
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,

but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20"

on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday,

he found that his card had been returned..
Added to it was this cryptic message : "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins with : "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads : "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."




There's an Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man, trapped on a deserted island. After a few weeks one of the men finds an old bottle, rubs it, and a genie pops out. The three men each make a wish, but unfortunately, none of them came true as the three men of different nationalities were all infact just hallucinating due to hunger.
#27
Quote by pawnshopguitars
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,

but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20"

on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday,

he found that his card had been returned..
Added to it was this cryptic message : "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins with : "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads : "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."


Haha. That's good.
Quote by brandon369852
BW==D
B=W=D
B==WD~~~


^Fap.


Quote by ADCME
I use those bread bag clips as ninja stars, i once hit a Jehovahs witnesses guy on the head with one.

I squinted my eyes and said "Where is your god now"



XBOX LIVE GAMERTAG: capn crayola
#28
Quote by Stingray5
I got an ant farm, them fellas didn't grow ****

And if I ripped your legs off, you'd look like snowmen.


Along the lines of Mitch Hedberg jokes:


Seaweed would be a horrible house plant. Hey Mitch you want to go out tonight? Can't man I gotta water the seaweed. 'Til when? 'Til fo'ever!