#1
this is a new song i wrote for my band.
needs some touching up,
things in brackets need changing.

Verse 1
call the doctor,
tell him i'm okay,
cause i hear them saying,
that they want me to stay,
the pain,
is cutting me like knives,
laying awake with blood shot eyes,
(
)

Pre-Chorus
and i'll whisper,
"the sun will tear right through this cloudy,
day of yours,
isn't this exactly (what you wished for?)"

Chorus
Forget about the ambulance,
the sirens rushing through your head,
wondering if im alright,
just for tonight.
you dont have to be scared of us,
(just bring it down,
dont let those feelings
slow you down.)

crit please.
cheers.
Last edited by lukeyboy2k9 at Aug 18, 2009,
#2
call the doctor,
tell him i'm okay,
cause i hear them saying,
that they want me to stay,
the pain,
is cutting me like knives,
laying awake with blood shot eyes,
(
)
Well your just one line short on this verse and I think that you could leave it open and have an instrumental line right there.

And i'll whisper,
"the sun will tear right through this cloudy,
day of yours,
isn't this exactly (what you wished for?)"
I like the last line just take out a couple syllabols so the last line is written 'Like what you've wished for.' That makes it flow better when reading at least.

Forget about the ambulance,
the sirens rushing through your head,
wondering if im alright,
just for tonight.
you dont have to be scared of us,
(just bring it down,
dont let those feelings
slow you down.)
I first notice this is the chorus and the first stanza is a verse, so you don't need both to have eight lines, you could just have the verse have seven and chorus to have eight. The lines in the parenthases don't seem to fit the flow of the story so you could replace those with 'Let me lie and confess' 'I have always loved you.' And you can have the chord progression change for the last line. But that is just an opinion of what you could do.


It all depends on your style of music and what kind of chord progression you are using, but I like these lyrics. They have a good story and for the most part they flow well when reading so they'll be easy to make flow when singing Keep on Writting
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#3
hey 24 wild rovers.
thanks for the crit,
i understand where you are coming from,
and i'll muck around with the lyrics tonight.
i got some guitar pro of what its roughly gonna sound like.
but i dunno how to upload it =S
#4
Remember to use the title of your piece as the thread title and not "new song". It's against the rules.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Remember to use the title of your piece as the thread title and not "new song". It's against the rules.


should i repost then?
sorry it was my first time posting something on this forum.