#1
Breathe in. Stand up. The oxygen dives deep into my lungs. But the air is filled with a poison. The toxin is now freely circulating in my body. It hurts as it cools all parts of me. My bones and soul. Somehow I finally feel alive, a little to late now. Look down and around. The graffiti combines art and waste. This voice has never been seen by travellers who pass underneath it at 50 miles per hour.
I´m no longer in hurry though.

Through raindrops I see you standing,
under the bridge.
Unable to speak one little word,
mouth wide shut.

You spot me. Shout. Cry. I don´t understand anything you say. I´m slightly loosing control about myself. Is that what you want? This can´t be what you call love. The bridge is old, majestic, but weathered. Such irony. Time is slow, our love is low. Time. You told me once that it wouldn´t change your mindset.
But obviously you were wrong.

Through raindrops I see you standing,
under the bridge.
Unable to speak one little word,
mouth wide shut.

Fade away. Loose balance. The trees are turning into grey needles breaking out of massive concrete. It´s getting colder. But I had no other way to get through this mess. Your eyes are like small fireballs now, while everything else gets blurred. I can hear warm voices calling my name now and there is a bright light in front of me.
My body sinks to the ground.


Through raindrops I see you standing,
under the bridge.
Unable to speak one little word,
mouth wide shut.

--

Okay next finished piece! The first verse is inspired by a poem I read around here some weeks ago. Tell me what you think!

Greetings!
Last edited by Plowback at Aug 17, 2009,
#2
Quote by Plowback

Breathe in. Stand up. The oxygen dives deep into my lungs. But the air is filled with a poison. The toxin is now freely circulating in my body. It hurts as it cools all parts of me. My bones and soul. Somehow I finally feel alive, a little to late now. Look down and around. The graffiti combines art and waste. This voice has never been seen by travellers who pass underneath it at 50 miles per hour.
I´m no longer in hurry though.

It feels like you transition too quick; from breathing air to poison. It's also a weird transition to looking around and seeing graffiti. I like the last two sentences. Overall, decent.


Through raindrops I see you standing,
under the bridge.
Unable to speak one little word,
mouth wide shut.

I like this. The whole "little word..wide shut" is very interesting. I like it.

You spot me. Shout. Cry. I don´t understand anything you say. I´m slightly loosing control about myself. Is that what you want? This can´t be what you call love. The bridge is old, majestic, but weathered. Such irony. Time is slow, our love is low. Time. You told me once that it wouldn´t change your mindset.
But obviously you were wrong.

This is very good. I love it in fact. Such great analogies.

Through raindrops I see you standing,
under the bridge.
Unable to speak one little word,
mouth wide shut.

Fade away. Loose balance. The trees are turning into grey needles breaking out of massive concrete. It´s getting colder. But I had no other way to get through this mess. Your eyes are like small fireballs now, while everything else gets blurred. I can hear warm voices calling my name now and there is a bright light in front of me.
My body sinks to the ground.

I also love most of this. The imagery was so strong. Love it.


Through raindrops I see you standing,
under the bridge.
Unable to speak one little word,
mouth wide shut.


I like this. The first stanza was the worst, hands down. It's transitions were awkward and it didn't feel like it fit with the other themes later in the poem.
I love the imagery in the last stanza and the analogies in the second. If you could put the amount of imagery and analogies you had in those throughout the poem, it'd be pretty amazing.
The chorus was good too. I can't offer and criticism of compliment there. It is what it is.
Overall, good. I liked it. Just needs a little work. Cheers
#3
Quote by hippieboy444
I like this. The first stanza was the worst, hands down. It's transitions were awkward and it didn't feel like it fit with the other themes later in the poem.
I love the imagery in the last stanza and the analogies in the second. If you could put the amount of imagery and analogies you had in those throughout the poem, it'd be pretty amazing.
The chorus was good too. I can't offer and criticism of compliment there. It is what it is.
Overall, good. I liked it. Just needs a little work. Cheers


Great feedback! Thank you.