#1
OTS muthafuckas. This be a song (sing it in your head if you don't believe me).

He never had a girlfriend in the summer.
He'd always take one for the school year,
just a bit after september,
but he only found time for love
in high school halls,
it fit into his schedule better.

He never kissed a girl at New Year's.
It just always worked out like that,
it was always so much harder
to keep a girl through the winter
and that was when he wanted
most to just be warmer.

All of his relations felt like obligations
just a mandatory part of standard
teenage occupations. Doing
paperwork would have brought
heavier sensations.

Now he's had a girlfriend for two summers,
he's kissed her on two new years,
and hell he even likes her, I guess
he finally realized there's more to life
than following the patterns.
#2
I would just like to say that when you told me to sing it, I sang this in my head the first time I read in a Mr. Garrison voice, and died laughing.

But after I got over that and read it again, it was quite good. Some of the rhyming is a bit awkward. Not forced; awkward. Not really sure how to describe it more than that. I don't really think what you're talking about in this is very cohesive at all with the theme of patterns, and personally, I would have found a whole different way to say it.

I did like the multi-syllabic rhymes. That was very good, if a tiny bit forced in some places(One line, really..)
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
this is pretty cool. short and simple...not in the bad way. there isnt a lot to it but i think thats what makes it good. i agree with ganoosh about the multi syllabic rhymes. cool and shows some good vocab but may seem a little bit forced.
overall i'd say its pretty good. especially for on the spot mutha****as

if you could crit mine that'd be great. thanks.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1183463
Guitars:
Martin DSR acoustic
Fender Telecaster
Epiphone Les Paul
Amp:
Fender Hot Rod Deluxe
Pedals:
535Q Crybaby>Fulltone OCD>Phase 90>EHX Big Muff>MXR Carbon Copy>EHX Holy Grail
You can call me Matt
#4
I found this enjoyable too. After the first two verses, I envisioned a guy who always had an excuse (and a lame one at that) to not have a girlfriend/look for love. He didn't want a girl in the summer, only one at school since it fit his schedule presuming that he wouldn't feel obligated to see her as much during the school year. Then when he had to fulfill his boyfriend obligations in the winter, the weather was too cold for him. In short: I thought these two verses created an interesting scenario and an interesting character.

The third verse was good as well. Aside from the intricate rhymes (which I'm always a fan of) you perfectly encapsulated the sentiments that the first two stanzas were hinting at.

But then I felt let down with the fourth verse, mainly because the shift in tone and attitude was way too abrupt for me. Why did he change? How did he change? What was the catalyst for his change? All of these important details you left out without even the slighest hint as to what they could be. As a result, I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I feel there at least needs to be a verse or two in between the 3rd and 4th to bridge that gap. That's just my opinion though.

All in all, I felt 75% of this piece was great
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
I liked this until the last verse. I don't know why, though. I suppose because concluding it with the previous stanza would of left this hanging in mid-air -- which is where I like it: angsty and unfinis...
#6
There's too much unhappiness on here, I'm trying to make up for it with endings a bit less depressing.

Thanks for comments all, I will check out your stuff in the next day or two.
#8
I think it is good but not great.

the speakers tone wasn't really appealing. It was isolated and I didn't like that much here.

It felt bored.

I like this but don't love it.

not a bad sounding song though
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me