#1
Any suggestions? I want to record this soon so I want it to be a good hit.


I've got this thought

You've got my mind

I try to hide

But you just find

How I abide all my time


I know your mine

You like to cry

Because I am so fine

Sweetness I apply

I like to to try


Everything I say you listen to

I see how you love me so

I see you glisten

When I speak of what we are

And how we love


Made use of

All the fun

And I've got my babe

You've got your hun

We're not afraid


Everything I say you listen to

I see how you love me so

I see you glisten

When I speak of what we are

And how we love
#2
As standalone lyrics, I'm afraid that they're not quite my style. They're a bit simplistic and cliched-sounding at points, as though you made an extra effort just to make everything rhyme. However, it depends how they work with the final song. They seem like they could fit a simple melody well. I imagine a British indie pop-rock song for some reason. Hmm.
#3
I like the ideas you write about, but you rhyme way too much. It basically ruined the piece for me.


The second stanza didn't make any sense. Why does she like to cry because your so fine? The last two in the second especially don't make any sense.
Everything I say you listen to

I see how you love me so
I see you glisten
When I speak of what we are
And how we love



This was the best part. It felt like you were actually saying something you meant and felt, and it actually made sense.

The whole piece needs a lot of work. The rhymes have to go. Songwriting isn't about rhyming, its about emotion and expressing something important. . Remember - why should I listen to your song when so many others are about the same thing (love)? What makes yours so special?

I hope this helped. Feel free to drop me a PM if you want