#1
Hello there!
spent about 30mins so far on this.
Only got a verse and chorus
gonna carry on working on it now and post more here the more i write down.
abit of a draft could be cleared up a tiny bit.
what do you think so far?
ask for c4c if you want c4c
thanks in advance

Verse 1
The Chemical state is unknown
Its liable to change with the chances youve blown
Ive forced my way back through
But my dreams have proven sturdy to pursue

Chorus
Your persona tends to irritate
the fact that youre resisting to sedate
listen to the white costumed man
and play along with what we call our plan.
Last edited by the envy at Aug 18, 2009,
#2
The rhyming is just a bit forced. Just a little bit. Good word choice, though. I'd like to see if when you write more.

Don't take too long to write. It shouldn't have taken you 30 minutes to write those two little things. In my opinion, only write when you are truly inspired and it just flows off of your pen effortlessly. I forget who said this, but " Unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket, unless being still would drive you to madness or suicide or murder, don't do it. Unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don't do it."

It seems like you're forcing it. If you have to think that hard, stop and go back to it later when the ideas are flowing more clearly.

If you want, you could take a look at one of the pieces in my sig. The first one is a bit of a doozy, so if you're not up for it the second one would be fine.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
This actually is sort of similar to how I write sometimes, a little weird when it comes to your word choice. The way I heard it in my mind , it flowed just fine. But I'm used to listening to music with strange flow.

It's pretty good, though. I agree with Ganoosh, it shouldn't have taken that long. But whatever works. I've written totally uninspired things. "Duty Calls" is actually one of them. Not really inspired at all.

I'm not 100% sure what you're getting at, though. Perhaps something about someone resisting the urge of peer pressure? From the perspective of one of the "peers?" XD.
#4
So far it's really good. I like it a lot. I also agree with Ganoosh. But I mean, I really like it and if you do to then that's fine. But exactly what Ganoosh said, write when you're inspired and it comes out effortlessly.

Really good. I'm looking forward to the rest of it.

Could you crit This Life? It's in my sig.
Username is from years ago, just saying
#5
hey thanks a lot for the critz keep them up please.
its "surposed"(lol) to be about a girl that i like but she keeps on changing her personality all the time so im trying to get her to get some help because i really like her
#6
Dude, what I've seen so far is very good and i am looking forward to reading the rest. I agree that some of the lines are a little bit to much for me, but after that you get back to what you were doing so well, getting the point across cleverly. I will crit the rest of the peice when I see it.

C4C? Sig.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.