#1
c4c. Was for mimic comp, but had so much fun writing it. Figured I'd share.



You never loved me like you should.

I've spent years melting into your hair,
sitting behind you in classrooms and
running fingers through sweet golden
sustenance.
Every night retreating to your room
and sitting in the corner; rocking, repeating
I know you love me more than you show.
Back out the window,
slide down to the ground.
Frolic in the bushes,
your bushes.

Someday you'll realize the severity of that statement,
someday you'll wish I was yours,
someday you'll watch me ride away into the sunset
with cliche etched across my back...
and your heart clutched close to my breast.

You see right now, I'm a pawn to you.
I'm no rook or bishop;
I'm a throw-away love
hell-bent on reaching the otherside of the gameboard
and becoming your queen.
But,
you're always three-steps ahead of me.
That whole women's intuition does you well,
but soon we'll be on a level playing field.
I'm going to become your queen.

If I can't have you as a boy,
I'm sure I can be your best girlfriend.
#2
Hmmm haha well the tone definitely doesn't sound like you so it's a little difficult to crit. Only technical thing that stuck out to me was that the repitition of 'become/becoming your queen'; it reads a bit awkward as is, and it may just be because the phrase itself doesnt quite roll off the tongue.

Idea is very interesting though, and certainly food for thought. I enjoyed this =]
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
Quote by #1 synth
this was more like you than i thought it would be. its all about your line breaks and syntax.

but good stuff. definitely good stuff.


I was mimic-ing PunkForLife93. We have similar line break styles and even syntax/tone. So it came out very naturally, lol.