#1
Not finished yet got couple more verses to do and the vocal pattern changes a lot so 'm aware it probably won't read smoothly if you don't know the tune.

I use my torch to clear the morning haze
Why wait for the sun to burn it away

It don't make things good just takes me far away

There was this girl with a smooth round head and cheeks so pretty
and she stood with me in the darkness

As i'd hid from her the torch which lit my way

In its light i built a vision one that satisfied me
It lit up parts i could not otherwise see

And i told myself some day she'd understand

Time with her blurred like a dream
Till the day she knew i was not all i'd seemed

And she asked of me why wont you let me in

You see the torch i'd held so long had burned so bright
Its blaze was forever scorched within my eyes

And she told me that its unsettling for her to see me like this

Her eyes they looked at me so sad
I could tell the love that she once held had surely passed

And she said to me some day you'll die alone.
#2
Quote by Burningritual
Not finished yet got couple more verses to do and the vocal pattern changes a lot so 'm aware it probably won't read smoothly if you don't know the tune.

I use my torch to clear the morning haze
Why wait for the sun to burn it away
The word "torch", although your title -- and thus important -- doesn't mesh well with the other words. It has no chime to it. I really like the idea and the imagery, though.

It don't make things good just takes me far away
This makes no sense. If you purposefully avoided using punctuation and correct tenses, I don't see why.

There was this girl with a smooth round head and cheeks so pretty
and she stood with me in the darkness
"Smooth round head" was too comical. It reminds me of The Coneheads. It's not attractive at all. "cheeks so pretty" was also a bit old fashioned, in the poetic sense, as well. It was totally contrary to the ugliness of the “smooth” analogy. Also, I'm sure you can find another way of portraying darkness without just saying "darkness". People think that, because it's a very poetic and mysterious word, they can use it at any point to gather the feeling of darkness together in a piece. I don't know why it's so overused yet so celebrated. Laziness maybe?

As i'd hid from her the torch which lit my way
"torch" fitted a little neater here. Although, I don't see why you keep breaking your lines up into messy stanzas.

In its light i built a vision one that satisfied me
It lit up parts i could not otherwise see
Great writing. I love the personality shown.


And i told myself some day she'd understand
This is too disconnected.

Time with her blurred like a dream
Till the day she knew i was not all i'd seemed
This had a stuttered flow that needs either punctuation, or rewording.


And she asked of me why wont you let me in

You see the torch i'd held so long had burned so bright
Its blaze was forever scorched within my eyes
You're starting to use very conversational, narrative-like writing here. It's fine in small doses, but all these "you see's", "and she told me's", and “I could tell's" lend this a story-like feel, which is not something I was hoping or looking for. And in also doesn't really coincide or flow with the rest of the piece; it's voice has changed.

And she told me that its unsettling for her to see me like this

Her eyes they looked at me so sad
I could tell the love that she once held had surely passed
Once again, your stanza breaks are keeping the flow from being enjoyable and helping the piece feel emotionally connected.

And she said to me some day you'll die alone.
I'm not sure I like the suddenness to the ending. It alters the voicing from saddening (but slightly hopeful) to this, kind of, obnoxiousness and hatefulness. I think it's important to keep the same thought, but maybe alter the tone of it so that it's more caring and understanding. Even though you know it's failed, at least you can show respect to each other.
This was a very saddening read. It needs a lot of work but it was very tender.