#1
i've never loved a person, just an idea -
raking through their minds til i find that connection
leaving burn marks on a lobe, splinters on a patch of soul
sucking out the life juice as i tell them how horrible i am...
i'm not confiding; it's a warning.

once my feeding is over, i resign to my bed
in the dark, my mind whispers 'what's next?
i have plenty to dwell on and patterns to fill
but you'll never get any rest'


the zombies enter one at a time
egos wounded, consciousness buzzing
through the gapes in their skin and
their dry, crooked mouths.
i smile and kiss their temples and
assure them the sex is secondary to the conversations
it is, it really is - i burn for their words
smile my own crooked smile
wash my own electric skin
take off into the night searching for life among the dead.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
I liked the words in this, and it was a very interesting read,
but you need to recheck some of your spelling

The big thing for me here is your punctuation.
Punctuation is crucial for controlling the flow of written word, and you go off using semi-colons and hyphens for the hell of it.
Remember that those little symbols are just as important as any word,
not enough and we'll speed through the writing without taking in the words.
Too many and we'll get bogged down.
#3
I loved this. I would have to agree with greyeyedfire on this one though. The punctuation is really important. I would say work on line breaks, commas, ect. ect. But I really did love this. It's the most interesting thing I've read on here for a while.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#4
i've never loved a person, just an idea -
raking through their minds til i find that connection
The idea here is faint and sapless, maybe because of your word choices and punctuation. Okay, it may not of been precisely as I say, but I know something doesn't feel right. Yes, I adore the sentiment, but it just wasn't displayed in the most solid of manners.

leaving burn marks on a lobe, splinters on a patch of soul
This has a wonderful flow to it. It's just a shame you didn't persevere with it.

sucking out the life juice as i tell them how horrible i am...
I don't mind this, however, as it is more honest and direct. The combination of honesty, and the preceding line's flow, was lovely.
i'm not confiding; it's a warning.
I'm not digging your punctuation and the change of tone here. It's ugly, if you ask me. I can see where that relates to the piece later on, but it's lacking persistence and follow-through.


once my feeding is over, i resign to my bed
in the dark, my mind whispers 'what's next?
i have plenty to dwell on and patterns to fill
but you'll never get any rest'
This didn't do anything for me. I'm sensing that you're trying to use something (I'm not quite sure what it exactly is. If I knew I may be more inclined to work with it ) to convey an idea that doesn't require anything -- other than the words themselves. Why clutter the piece when, in this case, the theme behind it all is so childishly funny and honest?


the zombies enter one at a time
egos wounded, consciousness buzzing
through the gapes in their skin and
I'm not keen on this break.
their dry, crooked mouths.
i smile and kiss their temples and
assure them the sex is secondary to the conversations
it is, it really is - i burn for their words
Now we're getting somewhere.
smile my own crooked smile
wash my own electric skin
take off into the night searching for life among the dead.
This is where you've used punctuation, line breaks, for the most part, and humour to brilliantly entertain a script and hum a tune. It was both flatly witty, saddening and goofy.


It wasn't until the last verse that I enjoyed this.
#5
the last stanza is great. It controls what I'm thinking very well. The first 2 don't have a very strong drive behind them it seems like. I dunno it didnt have much atmosphere or character.

I enjoyed this though.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Aug 21, 2009,
#6
Thank everyone. I'll return crits if you want. I don't really like the beginning of this either but I don't know what to do with it; I might just write something similar later and see if I can work the last stanza in.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
I really liked this as well. I don't really have anything to say that anybody else hasn't already said, so just work on the punctuation and the first two stanzas a bit and you've got yourself a hell of a good piece. Haven't read anything this interesting in awhile. Bang up job!

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1187591
"I'm sick of following my dreams man. I'm just ask where they're going, and hook up with them later."
Last edited by Six_One_Zipp at Aug 22, 2009,