#1
Shadow Of Eden


Welcome to the night's shade
Where all the feelings made
Are broken up by dawn
Welcome to the night's fade
Where those shallow dreams are
Awakened and shred to pieces
Here lies the question of time
Why hide until dusk arrives
While always searching for light
On the dark side praying it never comes

Shadow of Eden
Tuck me away
Hide me from
The light of day
Shadow of Eden
Keep me cold
When my time comes
I won’t be old
Shadow of Eden
Cover my eyes
I don’t want to see
All the lies
Shadow of Eden
Keep me from the dawn


Welcome to the sickness
Of my minions deprived
They're weak but still alive
Welcome to the cave that's
Concealed and hiding me
From the light oh so blinding
Here lies the question of time
Why do we spend all our lives
In the cold and the dark
When you're always searching
For the sun that never comes
And pray it never arrives


Shadow of Eden
Tuck me away
Hide me from
The light of day
Shadow of Eden
Keep me cold
When my time comes
I won’t be old
Shadow of Eden
Cover my eyes
I don’t want to see
All the lies
Shadow of Eden
Keep me from the dawn


Keep me hidden away
Shield me from the light
Keep me far away
Lend me the power of the night

Shadow of Eden
Tuck me away
Hide me from
The light of day
Shadow of Eden
Keep me cold
When my time comes
I won’t be old
Shadow of Eden
Cover my eyes
I don’t want to see
All the lies
Shadow of Eden
Keep me from the dawn
Last edited by Zach.E94 at Aug 19, 2009,
#2
To be honest, I wasn't sure if this was poetry or lyrics...but I'm going to treat it like poetry.

For me there are two things you need to keep in mind when writing your next piece, and they were the two major flaws in this.

The first being that you are forcing rhymes alot. By this I mean that in places you seem to have just thrown down a line because it fits the rhyme scheme, and not worried about whether it makes sense or even fits with what you are trying to say. Never ever ever settle with "Oh, it rhymes, I'll throw it in there.". Don't write your next line based completely around the rhymes. Poetry and writing isn't all about rhyming. ****, you don't even have to do it to write a good piece. The truth is that it's very hard to have a consistent rhyme scheme throughout a poem and keep it from sounding cheesy. But if you really want, you can try. I would suggest a rhyming dictionary.

The second letdown for me was that this had very little fluidity. You would have one or two lines with a bunch of syllables, and then there would be a short, choppy line that would throw everything off. For example, this:
Welcome to the sickness
Of the weaken deprived
But still alive

or

Cover my eyes
I don’t want to see
All the lies

Doesn't flow much, if at all. It reads very awkwardly for being in the middle of a stanza. Next time you write, read over what you've written. And then read it again. And then again. Look for things like this. Make sure everything you have written flows and isn't strained or awkward to say.

Of course, these things apply whether you wrote a poem or a song, which I'm still not clear on. The reason I'm not clear on this is because you repeated that one stanza "Shadow of eden, tuck me away...." three times, and I can't decide whether it's a chorus or whether you have written the same thing over and over. In the case of the latter, I wouldn't do this much repetition. It's okay to repeat single lines, but whole stanzas just doesn't work. If I'm wrong and this is a song, then the chorus needs to be shorter(That's a personal preference thing.).


I hope everything I'm saying makes sense to you. Keep writing.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Okay i went back and just briefly tried to even it out and did my best to say **** the rhymes but anymore critique is great
#4
Okay. I wasn't so much saying "Change it now.", but just advice to keep in mind for the next time you write. Trying to change things that much after you're already finished can really eff up a piece.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
oh well it didn't change that much just tried to make the syllables more appeasing especially when my band goes to out music to it
#6
Oh. If you're going to be singing it, that's especially important. Makes it more singable.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black