#1
This needs to be worked on very badly. I wrote it today and I think it has alot of potential. C4C Cheers........

Hung By Their Wrists

White hot razor teeth
Will serve a purpose tonight
Mapping out the course of her arteries
Etching little prayers into her neck
Cutting out muscles like a nursery school puzzle
Making sure that all is well
That the sores are bandaged
And the criminals hung by their wrists

Gaping wounds facing towards the sun
Steaming
Smoldering
Blistering her soft skin cells
Two fingers caress the gash
Stroke swollen eyelids
With a mouth full of smoke
She rises to the sun
And sees the truth

Screaming to the heavens that God does exist
He lives and breathes
He lets loose
Tongues in the bathroom
Gets plastered
Goes home

On the bed in the corner
Waiting for him
Stored between two sheets
She lies sleeping
She lies in her sleep

He crawls down beneath her
Diving into her vague subconscious
Telling her that he’s here
She surrenders both north and south
The white washed walls bow
And the moon is on fire again

A tell tale sign
That summer is giving
And all you do is take

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#2
I live near Cleveland as well...

I like this overall and think there are some great lines. The imagery is great in the opening stanza, and the line "Etching little prayers into her neck" is great. However, for some reason had trouble making it flow. I'm not a big fan of all the line breaks in the 4th and 5th stanzas particularly. I felt that the ending was perfect and really brings it together. I didn't know where it was going until then so it was quite a surprise.

Some mature concepts for a 15 year old. I really don't have anything else to say other than it's well written. Keep it up.

If you don't mind, I'm looking for feedback on this piece.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1184459