#1
V.1

Your handwriting is noticeable
But your words are increda
Your words are incredible
A few mistakes and a measly masquerade
Your mask is the one without a face

Short circuit and short on cash
I am just the dirty
Dirty motel where you’ll crash
This place is meant to keep things quiet for a while but

She’ll exchange your secrets for the rush
She’ll exchange your secrets for the rush

You’re just a knock on the door
In the middle of the night
With the body on the floor
Razor burns and casual turns
We did it for the money
We did it for the money to learn

Operate on this child with no anesthetic
You’re voice keeps him mind numb for a minute
When mothers don’t want to give birth
Let the baby suffocate so he can learn

For what he did to you
And suffer for what he did to you

Chorus

We gave up love
We gave up everything
To forget where we
Really came from

V.2

Your stitches are coming lose
We try to put together
All the diagrams with glue
Overdue birthday cards with dollars in them
Follow the instructions in the box without the rhythm

Our hands are made of metal
Cold steel
Put the baby in the kettle
Turn the up heat so he can feel
What it’s like to hurt

His throat is burned from feeding him the lies
His throat is burned from feeding him the lies

Bridge

Everything we do is wrong
Momma was the one that held out strong
I can see the station
Where we’ll catch the last train
To end the pain

Chorus

We gave up love
We gave up everything
To forget where we
Really came from

Bridge

Everything we do is wrong
Momma was the one that held out strong
I can see the station
Where we’ll catch the last train
To end the pain
#2
Your handwriting is noticeable
But your words are increda
Your words are incredible
A few mistakes and a measly masquerade
Your mask is the one without a face
This twists and turns around itself in a demented fashion, but generally, it succeeds in creating a intensive voice. I think you need to add punctuation and remove the capitalizations, though -- they bestow too much chunkiness.
I love this verse even though it took quite a long time to really get into. I don't understand it fully, but there ya go.


Short circuit and short on cash
I am just the dirty
Dirty motel where you’ll crash
This place is meant to keep things quiet for a while but
I love the rhyming -- it's so sleazy, adding to the words perfectly. I also enjoyed your use of repetition, which you continued with from the previous verse. To stick with something as seemingly difficult as that, is quite an achievement.

She’ll exchange your secrets for the rush
She’ll exchange your secrets for the rush
This is a gorgeous hook, even though it has an off-putting rhythm.

You’re just a knock on the door
In the middle of the night
With the body on the floor
Razor burns and casual turns
We did it for the money
We did it for the money to learn
I adore your imagery, but the lack of punctuation makes this very difficult to discern. I'm becoming lost in a sea of flow imperfections, that seem to entwine around each other like dying ivy. I think you need to rip some of this apart and replant it.


Operate on this child with no anesthetic
It's spelt 'anaesthetic'.
You’re voice keeps him mind numb for a minute
Should this not be "his"?
When mothers don’t want to give birth
Let the baby suffocate so he can learn
I fucking love your illustrious use of "learn" as a simple, yet electrifying repetition.

For what he did to you
And suffer for what he did to you
This is confusing.

Chorus

We gave up love
We gave up everything
To forget where we
Really came from

V.2

Your stitches are coming lose
This feels too disconnected from the lines following it. As a piece, I think it's utterly brilliant, but the flow, in my eyes, needs patching and caring for. Keep the sleaziness and the continuances, but avoid using such obscure rhythms so frequently -- it becomes too much after a while.
We try to put together
All the diagrams with glue
Overdue birthday cards with dollars in them
Follow the instructions in the box without the rhythm

Our hands are made of metal
Cold steel
Put the baby in the kettle
Turn the up heat so he can feel
Was "the" purposefully there?

What it’s like to hurt

His throat is burned from feeding him the lies
His throat is burned from feeding him the lies

Bridge

Everything we do is wrong
Momma was the one that held out strong
I can see the station
Where we’ll catch the last train
To end the pain
I think the rhymes here are scarily real. Cheesy, but beautiful.


Chorus

We gave up love
We gave up everything
To forget where we
Really came from

Bridge

Everything we do is wrong
Momma was the one that held out strong
I can see the station
Where we’ll catch the last train
To end the pain


Wow, what a wonderful read. It was eclectic and meandering, with a slight tension that added seediness and discomfort.
#3
I won't rip into this, cause Dan covered what needed to be in my eyes, but I will add that it's great to see some high-level song writing on here. This is the kind of song that is actually fun and enjoybale to read, almost poetic, instead of "oh, but it does SOUND good". I would love to hear this though. I listened to it in my head in a kind of dirty Nickleback style, but only cause I'd been listening to Nickleback this morning. So, great work, please record if you get the chance and drop me a PM so I can give a listen.
#4
Thank you guys so much for your constructive criticism. I have simple music and melody to this song. I'll see if I can get around to recording it within the week so you guys can have a listen.

Thank you again and please continue on your humble and dedicated journey of helping fellow lyricists.