#1
Like a ciggarette I'm burning,
Coming on the final drag.
You can feel the filter soften,
With your fingers clenching round.
As yellow smoke, it fills your lungs
for a momentary high,
You toss me to a grassy knoll
Soiled Filter, But Am I
#2
I quite like the slightly stammering flow. But I don't know whether it suits the imagery of a cigarette burning away/disintegrating, though.

Like a ciggarette I'm burning,
If this was "I am", it may possess more impact. It may move with more comfort, also.
Coming on the final drag.
I like the way you use "on" here -- this is moment where fluidity really suits the theme and imagery. Brilliant work.
You can feel the filter soften,
With your fingers clenching round.
The capitilzation frustrates the course of words in this instance. Also, using "round" instead 'around' was another slight alteration in the standard voicing; it felt burning in itself. But, as I mentioned, it doesn't entirely coincide neatly with the quick and smooth process of a smelting ciggy. The metaphor is lovely, it's just not perfect.

As yellow smoke, it fills your lungs
for a momentary high,
I'm not keen on the line break.

You toss me to a grassy knoll
Soiled Filter, But Am I
The capitilization was effective at reinforcing an idea, but it's irritating, aswell, as it's the title also. Maybe, instead of forcing a point home, leave it open and soft.


This was a very nice read. Your ability to create a picture with words is enviable.