#1
Eyes closed, head against red paint,
In the bathroom I could hear her faint hard
Into the tile, loud crash, I’ve never been so sober
While she’s been so smashed,
Dead on her legs,
Love her so much I wish the blood in her tinfoil skin
Would shred through, a dirty puddle
Underneath her head,
Grow until the drain drags her brain into oblivion

Air reeks of her stomach lining,
Pine trees, dirty magazines, cum,
A summed up obituary of winter 2001
Until August 09,
Wind ruptured me
From my kin today, and I’ve never felt so accepted
By myself and the divine,
RIP everything that time mends, no rebirth
This time, no second chance no wings,
Soil water love, the trinity
For those who never had God’s push come to Man’s shove

Rest in peace friends, rest in peace
I’m making up my mind while you all sleep
To slit throats, tear beautiful faces from disease,
Wear them in my dreams


West Lynn Oregon August 19,
Wiped their blood on my clothes,
Wiped them all clean,
Cut a few good pieces off the universe,
Sat on the pavement next to the grass,
Looked out over the battlefield
Littered with mattresses,
Springs ripped through like needles,
Blankets bleeding string,
Stood up, cursed the world,
Proclaimed myself king.
Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 22, 2009,
#2
i can feel the emotion in these just by reading them. well done my friend
#3
Some of your line breaks sucked. Some of your lines sucked.

The line breaks were the ones like

"so sober
while..."

the gap was very unfluid. The extra cap didn't help. Loved the short "rest in piece" stanza... very potent. Also, lord knows I have no aversion to swearing, but opening with the **** was weak.

#4
dude if thats a real story, im terribly sorry
When The Power of Love overcomes the Love of Power, that is when the world will be at peace --Jimi Hendrix

The roads of hell are paved with good intentions
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
Some of your line breaks sucked. Some of your lines sucked.

The line breaks were the ones like

"so sober
while..."

the gap was very unfluid. The extra cap didn't help. Loved the short "rest in piece" stanza... very potent. Also, lord knows I have no aversion to swearing, but opening with the **** was weak.



the **** was actually for "****, i can't believe i actually wrote something like this while listening to miley cyrus ( ) so no, it wasnt part of the piece, I can remove if you desire.

the gap is to signify a passage of time so i feel like it is alright.

can you point out some of the lines you didnt like?

and what was your general impression (good, bad, other?)

thank you guys. definitely based on truth.
#6
I'll get back more tomorrw without the rum in me.

but the gap didn't come across smoothly. It was jarring because the passing time wasn't apparent. It felt like a continued sentence that you ****ed up, tbh.


Bolding lines that irked me

Eyes closed, head against red paint,
In the bathroom I could hear her faint hard
Into the tile, loud crash, I’ve never been so sober
While she’s been so smashed,
Dead on her legs,
Love her so much I wish the blood in her tinfoil skin
Would shred through, a dirty puddle
Underneath her head,
Grow until the drain drags her brain into oblivion

Air reeks of her stomach lining,
Pine trees, dirty magazines, cum,
A summed up obituary of winter 2001
Until August 09,
Wind ruptured me

hated rupture in this context, mostly with "from my kin" next.

From my kin today, and I’ve never felt so accepted
By myself and the divine,
RIP everything that time mends, no rebirth
This time, no second chance no wings,
Soil water love, the trinity

hate the comma. The way it worked against the rest of hte list to set it apart was ok... but just thought it could hav ebeen done better.

For those who never had God’s push come to Man’s shove

Rest in peace friends, rest in peace
I’m making up my mind while you all sleep
To slit throats, tear beautiful faces from disease,
Wear them in my dreams


West Lynn Oregon August 19,
Wiped their blood on my clothes,
Wiped them all clean,
Cut a few good pieces off the universe,
Sat on the pavement next to the grass,
Looked out over the battlefield
Littered with mattresses,
Springs ripped through like needles,
Blankets bleeding string,
Stood up, cursed the world,
Proclaimed myself king.
#7
I'm at a stop 'n' go convenience mart, filled with words instead of candy bars. In this case, they're not so interchangeable. I'm jumping from one concept, one point in human history to another, sitting on the grass outside of a movie theatre, or Gettysburg, Manassas, the Sealy factory.

Bur I'm feeling the coarse texture of it. I've never been so sober while she's been so smashed. That feeling coupled with its realization is one of the worst feelings in the world. Experience and memory can be great teachers, but they don't always rhyme, and this is a testament to that discombobulation.

Given its personal meaning to me, I must commend the line "A summed up obituary of winter 2001" for its ugly truth and aural beauty. Perhaps my bias alters fact, but I care not.

I don't think I like this very much, but that really doesn't matter either. It obviously means and conveys something important, vital to the thoughts of the author, and oftentimes what is written is not up to the reader to judge, just as a listener's place is to do just that and no more unless a reply is in order, and it usually is not.
#8
get rid of "cum". to use something so blatant as that, when your use of odd rythmical patterns already adds a sense of unneasiness, is beyond the plateau of enjoyment.
#10
don't smell cum, dylan. it's quite simple. if you don't smell it you won't be forced to write about it when being honest...