#1
The lips feel fond,
like the blood inside them is breathing.

We're being as graceful as can be
but the moisture makes us seem ornamented together.

It's nothing more than a pin-prick, though,
the tongue that traces on the underside,
only it tastes like burning alcohol;
both calming and exciting.

Speed gathers rapidly when you're rolling,
when a hill is tilted further than normal;
like as if the world is rotating,
so he or she could see us make love sooner.

Some of you are persuasive:
“let your body decide when it's time to swallow.
because, when you're hungry,
no matter if it was coal, or melted chocolate
it falls down without a single chew.
don't prevent that”

“take it slow, don't rush your food.
you'll choke. you'll regret it tomorrow.
Don't drink too much,
you'll regret it,
I promise.”


I can't listen to everything, though.
don't expect me too.

don't leave me here, either
to kiss harder,
to let my body crush another.
I don't know whether I can take the guilt...
the responsibility.


was it worth it,
the hangover?
did I get what I wanted?
a scar? a tattoo?
a ring? a life?
...
#2
I think this was very confusing to read, but the last stanza wraps it up nicely. To me, the stanzas are more artistic/musically based, something to just build the mood (I don't know why, but I could imagine this being something Radiohead-ish)
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#3
I've missed your writing, my friend. This sounds like an odd rhythm collection of unforgettable mistakes that actually produced some wisdom from their teachings. Someone who knows they intend to learn the hard way, because that's the only way they know, sees the simpler way but proceeds to hop and skip away from it, because in a pretend retrospect, it wouldn't have been so worth it, wouldn't have created such dynamic.

This is a collapse of the sense - starting out with confidence, knowing well the world around you, but falling into desperation, and I wonder if a life is really what you're going for.

Regarding the technical aspect, I don't much like responsibility ... and while I really don't, the word doesn't really sit well. However, in the sense that it falls rather unfittingly into a structure largely based on uncertainty, I have to reconsider. This is full of stops and starts, re-imaginings of human need, and the lack of sense our instincts make, and for that, I enjoyed this greatly.
#4
Quote by spike_8bkp
I've missed your writing, my friend. This sounds like an odd rhythm collection of unforgettable mistakes that actually produced some wisdom from their teachings. Someone who knows they intend to learn the hard way, because that's the only way they know, sees the simpler way but proceeds to hop and skip away from it, because in a pretend retrospect, it wouldn't have been so worth it, wouldn't have created such dynamic.
No one has shown more knowledge of my writing than that right there... bar maybe Katherine (DigUp).

Thank you both very much. If either of you want something specific from me in return (excluding sexual favours) don't be afraid to ask.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish

screw you and your font.

The lips feel fond,
like the blood inside them is breathing.
beautiful. Perhaps 'these lips'. It's closer, more tender, less general. 'The lips' detaches the lips from the person and I get an image of just lips, which is rather odd.


We're being as graceful as can be
but the moisture makes us seem ornamented together.
I don't get this. If you were 'ornamented together' wouldn't you just be the same 'ornament' or decoration? Couldn't that still be graceful?

It's nothing more than a pin-prick, though,
the tongue that traces on the underside,
maybe play with the phrasing? I can't think of suggestions, but I don't like this
only it tastes like burning alcohol;
didn't like 'only it tastes', odd phrasing. And if it's used, it'd feel better without the comma before it. A pin-prick that's a tongue that tastes of burning alcohol? Okay...
both calming and exciting.
I wish something twisted into this rhymed with 'exciting'

Speed gathers rapidly when you're rolling,
when a hill is tilted further than normal;
there's an average amount of tilt for a hill, is there? I've never noticed
like as if the world is rotating,
so he or she could see us make love sooner.

Some of you are persuasive:
“let your body decide when it's time to swallow.
because, when you're hungry,
no matter if it was coal, or melted chocolate
it falls down without a single chew.
don't prevent that”

“take it slow, don't rush your food.
you'll choke. you'll regret it tomorrow.
Don't drink too much,
you'll regret it,
I promise.”


I can't listen to everything, though.
don't expect me too.

don't leave me here, either
to kiss harder,
to let my body crush another.
I don't know whether I can take the guilt...
the responsibility.


was it worth it,
the hangover?
did I get what I wanted?
a scar? a tattoo?
a ring? a life?
...
I don't think I enjoy this 'epic' kind of phrasing, it's like a voiceover at the end of a bad movie. This poem needs something blatant to it, which this did, but the pauses were weird. And the '...' at the end. This stanza felt clumsy.


I like the idea a lot, and there are some great and beautiful things in here. It could just all be melded together better, feel less choppy. But I enjoyed it to read. I'm glad to read your stuff again.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I appreciate the full critique on my piece. I'm horrible at doing this now since I haven't done it forever but I will try to point out a few things here. First thing I noticed was the phrase 'tastes like burning alcohol'. I just wasn't a fan of the sound of it, I would maybe try something along the lines of saying it 'burns like alcohol', since the burning part is a given. It's almost overly repetitive to say 'burning alcohol', if that makes sense. At the least you could change 'like' to 'of' just to give it a little more of a poetry feel than standardized conversation- just my take on that.

As Digupherbones pointed out "hill is titled further than normal" is very awkwardly phrased here. I get the idiea but the line itself just doesn't work. I would try something like 'steep' or 'vastly inclined' to get the idea across. I think it would sound ten times better.

The following paragraph I wasn't much of a fan of either, honestly.

In the third-to-last stanza in the final line just drop the extra 'o' on 'to' there.

The ended definitely served it's purpose, although I'm still trying to decide how I feel about it.

Overall, it's a really good piece, just a couple tweaks here and there will go a long ways with this. Either way, excellent job.
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#7
The lips feel fond,
like the blood inside them is breathing.

We're being as graceful as can be
but the moisture makes us seem ornamented together.

"Ornamented" felt like you were trying too hard. It didn't sit right with me.

It's nothing more than a pin-prick, though,
the tongue that traces on the underside,
only it tastes like burning alcohol;
both calming and exciting.

Reminds me of Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd. I don't like where "traces" and "tastes" sit in relation to each other. I'm trying hard to find a comfortable rhythm in this stanza, but I can't.

Speed gathers rapidly when you're rolling,
when a hill is tilted further than normal;
like as if the world is rotating,
so he or she could see us make love sooner.

"Like as if" seems redundant. The last line is an awkward read. I do like the rhythm of your words up until the last line. They all had such a nice flow to them, and then the last one comes and chops it up.

Some of you are persuasive:
“let your body decide when it's time to swallow.
because, when you're hungry,
no matter if it was coal, or melted chocolate
it falls down without a single chew.
don't prevent that”

I think "don't prevent that" could be worded differently so it would fit nicer with the rest of the stanza.

“take it slow, don't rush your food.
you'll choke. you'll regret it tomorrow.
Don't drink too much,
you'll regret it,
I promise.”


I can't listen to everything, though.
don't expect me to.

don't leave me here, either
to kiss harder,
to let my body crush another.
I don't know whether I can take the guilt...
the responsibility.

Please change "responsibility." For my sake.


was it worth it,
the hangover?
did I get what I wanted?
a scar? a tattoo?
a ring? a life?
...

I love this ending.


Sorry if I seem blunt. I really do like this.
Thank you for your comments on mine.
Last edited by my name is Pete at Aug 26, 2009,