#1
Each morning ,
I'm welcomed into the world,
By the verbal harassment of the alarm clock.
I reach over and cover the clock with my cold hands.
Smothering it. Killing it
Why won't it let me sleep?
I wish I could sleep forever.

A surgeon enters my room,
Clothed in scrubs and a mask to cover the mouth.
I can't ever make out the face,
I doubt there even is one.
A light shines brightly into my eyes,
The likes of which can be found in operating rooms,
And I lay on the most comfortable operating table in the world.
I wish I could lay there forever.

I am surgically removed from my slumber.
My skin's stitched onto the silk sheets.
The lights are too bright.
The world too loud.
I'm wide awake and yet I feel dead.
I wish I could sleep forever.

I wish to meet the Sandman.
To count sheep, to catch Z's,
To succumb to the heaviness of my eyelids,
Who close on my pupils like a curtain call in a play.
Only opening up when I'm called upon for an encore,
And the world is chanting my name

c4c
"I'm sick of following my dreams man. I'm just ask where they're going, and hook up with them later."
Last edited by Six_One_Zipp at Aug 22, 2009,
#2
Each morning ,
I'm welcomed into the world,
By the verbal harassment of the alarm clock.
I reach over and cover the clock with my cold hands.
Smothering it. Killing it
Why won't it let me sleep?
I wish I could sleep forever.
Now before even getting into this stanza much I already noticed a problem. "Each Morning, I am welcomed into the world." This might sound good when talking, but when you want to be more poetic you need something a little more interesting, especially when starting the poem.

Try something closer to Every Morning, To this world I do wake. See how that sound so inappropriate when talking normally but when in a poem it sound fluent enough. This is because there are two types of sentences when writing. Proper English uses and "Active" Sentence which is where the sentence flows; Subject, Verb, and Direct Object-With some variencies between sentences. But good poetry uses a lot of "Passive" sentences where the sentence flow: Direct Object, Verb, and Subject.

In your sentence 'Welcomed' is the verb, 'I' is the subject, and into the world is a prepositional phrase, so it is just taken out of a subject-verb agreement. But in my exampled sentence, I put 'To this world,' Prepositional Phrase acting as a Direct Object, before the action verb, 'welcomed,' then is strangly followed by the Subject Recieving the object.

Now into the stanza, the third line in talks about verbal harassment by an alarm clock? Even with good imagination this still sounds off; it sounds like your trying too hard to think of something to say. Re-think something that would flow from the mouth much more smoothly.

Then you talk about smothering and killing the poor alarm clock. Don't be so mean to the alarm clock, try something else; From the slumber I awoke, with only a wish to sleep.


A surgeon enters my room,
Clothed in scrubs and a mask to cover the mouth.
I can't ever make out the face,
I doubt there even is one.
A light shines brightly into my eyes,
The likes of which can be found in operating rooms,
And I lay on the most comfortable operating table in the world.
I wish I could lay there forever.
I am sure you know what to do to the first line, but the second line is just to wordy for what it's trying to say. You could probably take the "dressed in scrubs" part out completely and rewrite the line, 'As his mask encases my face."

"I doubt there even is one?" Rewrite. "A light shines brightly into my eyes." Again this does not flow very smoothly through my lips when I read. Try; 'As the lights all shining on me." It brakes my rule about keeping the sentences clean, simple, and to the point using the least amount of words; but it flow cleanly when trying to read or sing it.

"The likes of which can be found in operating rooms." Try 'Like of which has never been seen.' "And I lay on the most comfortable operating table in the world." Too wordy, fix it.


Now hopefully in just those two stanzas I have shown you some things that could help you.

I will be harsh and say right out that this poem really wasn't good, at all. The idea was ok if done right. But the way you wrote it; how you went from talking about killing your alarm clock to being at an emergency surgical room. That didn't make any sense at all to me. Take the advice and maybe rewrite something more along the lines of your other poem, House of Cards. Write something with meaning; something someone might actuallly want to read.

Don't take this wrong and think your a bad writer and to never write again. I just think if you were to work on a couple areas and move away from emo land, you could write something truly inspiring. So keep on Writing Send me a personal message (PM) if you need any help or anything.
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