#1
I saw her one Sunday morning
at the local park.
She was swollen and green
like that one unripe tomato
that you always see at the grocery store,
and say
"I'll give it a chance"
and you hope that it will ripen as fast as tomatoely possible.
She was the roundest thing I had seen in a while.
The biggest, brightest balloon in the bunch,
and I had to have her.
She looked so blissful up there,
floating just above the rest of the balloons.
I dug in my pocket for some change,
and could barely contain myself
when taking her out of the Balloon Mans hand.
I would love her better than he ever could.
And for a while, we were happy,
Just her and me.
Just the two of us.
I could never let her out of my sight,
out of my tender grasp.
If I let up, she would try to escape.
Try to float up to the heavens.
Eventually my tender grasp
transformed
into a vigilant vice,
and I intended to never let her go.
For awhile, she drove me crazy.
I wasn't old enough to drive yet,
so I was generally content
with walking her everywhere,
never looking down.
As she was at first mine,
I became hers.
She owned me now.
It occurred to me one day
the old adage,
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours."
I would test this theory.
See if I was really hers.
So the next Sunday morning,
ever carefully,
infinitely slowly,
I let her go.

And she floated
up, up
and up
and got smaller
and smaller
until the
deep
blue
sky couldn't
contain her reach.

I might have been sinking.
I might have stepped in quick sand,
and she might have been waiting for me.
Maybe I was the one who should have come back.
Probably not.
So now
I spend my Sunday mornings at the grocery store.
Throwing unripe tomatoes at little old ladies.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Aug 29, 2009,
#2
haha, very creative. I had a good laugh at the adjective "tomatoely". 2nd stanza confused the living hell out of me at first, but now I see what you are doing. I didn't fully understand the last stanza, but I still enjoyed the piece. Although I did have to read through it twice to fully understand and enjoy. Definitly gets my approval though!
#3
very cool. I love it.

ted floa? lol.
Quote by FatalGear41
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Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


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#4
Quote by the humanity
very cool. I love it.

ted floa? lol.



It's floated.


This is the deal with that stanza, for anyone else that is going to inevitably ask. I was reading some poems by E.E. Cummings(I gotta say, that dude was very strange), and I noticed some of the cool things he did with formatting and I decided to try it out. The idea is that just as the balloon is floating up, so are the words that are describing it. So you read it from bottom to top in that stanza. Hard to figure out, I know, but shit, THIS was the poem that inspired it. So it's a comparatively simple idea.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
I prefer it how it's layed out in the 1v1.

I really like this piece.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Thanks for reading. I'm not sure at this point if I'm going to do away with the funky format or what, since nobody gets it.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
Thanks for reading. I'm not sure at this point if I'm going to do away with the funky format or what, since nobody gets it.

I think you should atleast put a note at the beginning to notify readers because the funky format adds to the piece.
#8
First of thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. I loved this piece. It felt so innocent and genuine, yet it had a pretty deep message. The only thing that bothered me was the beginning and end i.e. the parts about tomatoes. It just felt too detached from the rest of the piece. I mean you do tie it in, but it still doesn't feel right to me. Maybe its just me, because I hate food references in poetry. Also the whole "funky format" bits, I would make them "normalize"them. (hope you know what i mean). I'm just not a fan of gimmicks and I feel that they take away from the piece. But anyways, nice job, man.
#9
I got it- I just found ted floa funny.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#10
you know how I felt about this on the 1v1 L

I also prefer the formatting on the 1v1.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#11
Quote by Ganoosh
I saw her one Sunday morning
at the local park.
She was swollen and green
like that one unripe tomato
that you always see at the grocery store,
and say
"I'll give it a chance"
and you hope that it will ripen as fast as tomatoely possible.
She was the roundest thing I had seen in a while.
The biggest, brightest balloon in the bunch,
and I had to have her.
This was a playful opening, but in the grand scheme of the piece, this didn't really fit for me. It's borderline farce really, and the tone and feeling behind the piece doesn't match. I was chuckling at "she was swollen and green" and "she was the roundest thing I had seen in a while". Other than later likening her to a balloon, I can't see any reason for this imagery. Instead of focusing on the important part, the "giving something not perfect a chance", you strangely focused on physical attributes. Not to mention that it didn't really make sense because from "I'll give it a chance" you went, within four lines, to "I had to have her." Didn't seem like a logical progression to me.
She looked so blissful up there,
floating just above the rest of the balloons.
I didn't get the transfer of analogy. I now have the image of a floating green tomato balloon. I'm exaggerating here, but I still think there could be a softer move from the grocery store to the mall or wherever it is people sell balloons.
I dug in my pocket for some change,
and could barely contain myself
when taking her out of the Balloon Mans hand.
I would love her better than he ever could.
And for a while, we were happy,
Just her and me.
Just the two of us.
Unnecessary repetition, really. There is a lot of it in this piece. You're piling words on a very simple, straight forward emotion, for no apparent reason.
I could never let her out of my sight,
out of my tender grasp.
If I let up, she would try to escape.
Try to float up to the heavens.
Eventually my tender grasp
transformed
into a vigilant vice,
and I intended to never let her go.
Again, lots of repeating ideas, phrases and words. Not to mention the relation between a person and the balloon they're holding is very understandable for anyone that has ever let one go. You're not giving credit to your reader, and basically stating the obvious instead of taking this to the next level. Tell me something new.
For awhile, she drove me crazy.
I wasn't old enough to drive yet,
so I was generally content
with walking her everywhere,
never looking down.
You said she drove you crazy and then go on to say how you were content to walk with her everywhere. Why did she drive you crazy? How? This seems disjointed and very random.
As she was at first mine,
I became hers.
She owned me now.
Again, these momentous things are happening, but there's no reasoning, no explanation. It's like reading a report: we met. she was mine. then she was crazy. then I was hers. then she owned me. There's no flow to this, you're not giving me a chance to connect emotionally as this is just lacking any connection to the feelings of the happenings.
It occurred to me one day
the old adage,
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours."
Surely there was a better way to fit in this cliché. It certainly didn't need the prologue in the lines before it.
I would test this theory.
See if I was really hers.
So the next Sunday morning,
ever carefully,
infinitely slowly,
I let her go.
I saw this coming about 15 lines earlier and it still wasn't good. Come on, take a chance on something different. This was just dull and expected and I was really hoping for more. There isn't even good wording and phrases to make up for the lack of imagination.

contain her reach.
sky couldn't
blue
deep
until the
and smaller
smaller
and got
and up,

up

upted
floa
And she

At this point it really felt like you were resorting to pretty colours and strange structure to make up for lack of content. This piece has definitely gone too long for my taste.
I might have been sinking.
I might have stepped in quick sand,
and she might have been waiting for me.
Maybe I was the one who should have come back.
Probably not.
Again, confusing yourself with ideas. You were suppose to let her go to see if she would come back. I wouldn't think you'd have the ability to come back yourself. On the one hand, you are giving different perspective of a relationship, and those can change over time, yes, but in such a long piece the imagery of quicksand just threw me off completely and this part felt like a different piece altogether.
So now
I spend my Sunday mornings at the grocery store.
Throwing unripe tomatoes at little old ladies.
Well you tied it in at the end. Poorly. I mean, did we really need the whole tomato thing? This piece would have been a million times better without it and it was so irrelevant that the last line just infuriated me. What are little old ladies to do with this?



To sum things up:

You need to take an idea and clear up all the junk around it. I write sometimes with an idea in my head and by the time I finish the piece, it has changed completely and then, as much as I liked the original idea, the piece has changed too much for it to stay in. You have to be a writer and make that call, because otherwise this will mean nothing, it's two pieces in one and it shows, or rather, two ideas.

Apart from thinking longer about your ideas, I suggest you try and work on wording and phrasing, something to make yourself stand out and be remembered, something that will tell me I just read YOU and not someone else.

Very amateur, in my opinion.

Now, it is only my opinion, so take it like that. There are plenty of people here that liked this piece, but I think that I would like to see you venture further. I think you can do it.
This is not a pipe
#12
It took me a few seconds and the thought 'did he have a formatting error?' crossed my mind but then i got it and i loved how you gave empahsis to your words by literally shaping them, very creative!

Initially i thought you were talking about a girl who was plump and had been beaten into green bruises and i had some concerns about where this was going but i loved the idea and loved the writing, so very well done
#13
Thanks for the crits everyone, especially Carmel. You gave me a lot to think about when I write my next piece.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black