#1
inspired by the local news. will get recording up tomorrow if people want to hear it.


Hurt

Under her heart
Another beautiful heart
Half bass half drum
Half a little boys hum

When I opened her chest for the first time
Your lungs were having trouble breathing
And the world was drowning
Drowning in the rising moon

I was hoping
For everything except the inevitable

When she cried on my lap for the first time
Your fathers hand print black and blue on her cheeks
And your skin was drowning
Drowning in the dark blood of your veins

Clockwork Orange playing on the TV
Johnny Cash’s Hurt somewhere on our tongues
I held my hand on her stomach
Ready to kill my first son

I was hoping
For everything except the inevitable
#2
Quote by #1 synth
inspired by the local news. will get recording up tomorrow if people want to hear it.

I remember once you saying you knew it was good lyrics when you could grab a melody to it from just reading. Here, and on a lot of what you post a songs now, I always struggle to get an amazing flow going. There is good rhythm, and some parts go magically, but that sense of real direction in execution of rhythm isn't quite as tight I don't think.

Then again, it has subtleties that work quite nicely together and probably suit your delivery as well. So, basically, ignore the prelude.



Hurt

Under her heart
Another beautiful heart
Half bass half drum
Half a little boys hum
The inclusion of a little boy does nothing for a love-themed piece. In fact, it's a little disturbing and distracting.

When I opened her chest for the first time
Your lungs were having trouble breathing
her/your. Icky and horrible. Change your to "her" but the pronouns do have quite numerous forces in these opening two verses. Maybe think of w a chance to reword this without them.
And the world was drowning
Drowning in the rising moon
Passive over active. Rules still apply; just because this could be good to sing still makes it lacking as lyrics. Passive and dull.

I was hoping
For everything except the inevitable
Dry, but a nice cry of desperation in it. Though not totally original, it's a line I've heard/read before.

When she cried on my lap for the first time
Your fathers hand print black and blue on her cheeks
And your skin was drowning
Drowning in the dark blood of your veins
I still don't like the her/your, but maybe there is a third character here that you are addressing and talking about another with, idk. It's not clear as in the above verse it did jar with the introduction of "your". We'll see. Last line a little dull and dark.

Clockwork Orange playing on the TV
This reference I don't particulary like. Just stick with the one below, as it makes it stand out more, and as the title line it should be able to be alone. This other reference weakens it some what.
Johnny Cash’s Hurt somewhere on our tongues
I held my hand on her stomach
Ready to kill my first son

I was hoping
For everything except the inevitable


Dylan.
#3
has to be her/your. its a father adressing his murdered son (who he, ironically, murdered). her is the mother/girlfriend who he also murdered. any idea to make this clearer without sounding pedantic would be much appreciated. why i posted this honestly, to get thoughts on clarity of characters and how to improve that. all the passivity was a nice catch though, didnt even edit for that like i usually do. thanks for the crit Jamie
#4
"Johnny Cash’s Hurt somewhere on our tongues"
- I don't quite like "on our tongues". It seems too sappy and floaty.

I'm finding it difficult to discern what is quite going on, even with your explanation. In fact, your above post baffles me further, unfortunately.
#7
Some of your recent stuff's been good.

and you're never going to check your PMs, are you?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!