#1
And I asked myself "Why do I feel like I do?"
As I recounted my steps, pen and paper in hand
The buzz of the air conditioner cooled my body
While my head became heated as it whirled and ticked like a machine,
The emotions that filled my mouth spat out to your ears
Where they set off tiny emergency evacuation alarms
No surprises here.

Your cigarette smoke rose up and found a home in my eye
The lid then shut and rose like the everyday indecision of whether it is night or day
Not even heavy breathing caused by the freezing winter air consticting my lungs
Could stop the apologies from spilling out
The season of giving had kept its promise.

The meeting of two enemies to sign a truce
The ink being pressed to paper as the same two mouths that had fired those piercing words so many months ago
Met for what might as well have been the first, last, only, and greatest time.

A long walk home as we didn't look at each other
But couldn't stop staring
I slightly smirked as the gleam in your eye lit up
And God dug a divet into your cheek
And planted Candias deep inside


*originally written in prose in some parts, thats the excuse for some long lines.
Last edited by Mutmoo at Aug 24, 2009,
#2
I have to say i really really enjoyed it.

The third stanza really did it for me,

"The meeting of two enemies to sign a truce
The ink being pressed to paper as the same two mouths that had fired those piercing words so many months ago
Met for what might as well have been the first, last, only, and greatest time." - Brilliant

For someone who doesn't write often, pretty good work
#3
Nice piece of writing. A lot of those long lines could be fixed just from having a line break...nothing wrong with breaking up a sentence into two lines. Just do it in an appropriate place. I don't like how it starts with And. Actually, I don't like how many ands there are in a couple of lines, particularly
While my head became heated and whirled and ticked like a machine
And the emotions that filled my mouth spat out and to your ears


There are just too many "and"s. I could see how this happened if this might have been one of the prose parts, though.


I like the end, I have no problem there. Just clean up some of those longer lines, even if you have to change them to be able to break up, and you will have yourself a very nice piece.

If you have the time, it would be awesome if you could take a look at the top link in my sig.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
I was thinking the same thing when I was writing the "and"s haha. I'll check out your piece as well.
#5
I've made some edits to the amount of "and"s. I believe this is an ok bump, mods?
#6
here we go.

And I asked myself "Why do I feel like I do?"
As I recounted my steps, pen and paper in hand
The buzz of the air conditioner cooled my body
While my head became heated as it whirled and ticked like a machine,
The emotions that filled my mouth spat out to your ears
Where they set off tiny emergency evacuation alarms
No surprises here.

I don't like how much is going on with the "while my head.." line. Its location makes it span two separate sentences (at least, the way I read it), in effect doubling what's happening. ("cooled my body while my head became heated," and "while my head became heated as it whirled and ticked, the emotions, etc.") And then you add the "as it whirled and ticked," making the sentence have so much action that I get lost and don't know what's going on.

It just needs a bit of cleaning up is all. Once I realized what was happening, I liked it a lot. lol


Your cigarette smoke rose up and found a home in my eye
The lid then shut and rose like the everyday indecision of whether it is night or day
Not even heavy breathing caused by the freezing winter air consticting my lungs
Could stop the apologies from spilling out
The season of giving had kept its promise.

I get that it's prose-y, but it can still be rambly. You start off with heavy breathing, then say it's caused by the freezing air, then you add description to the description, and expect me to jump all the way back to the beginning? This tires me and makes it an uncomfortable read. Keep your sentences concise.

I do love that last line and how it ties together all the thoughts in the stanza.


The meeting of two enemies to sign a truce
The ink being pressed to paper as the same two mouths that had fired those piercing words so many months ago
Met for what might as well have been the first, last, only, and greatest time.

This is a strange change of perspective. Everything was told in first person before, and now we're suddenly switching to third person. This was a large bout of turbulence in an already shaky piece. I really don't know where I am anymore. This is my least favorite stanza. I do like your ideas here, but it seems like you're drowning them with your syntax.

A long walk home as we didn't look at each other
But couldn't stop staring
I slightly smirked as the gleam in your eye lit up
And God dug a divet into your cheek
And planted Candias deep inside

I guess I'm missing the whole point because I don't know what Candias is. I googled it.. evidently it's a surname. Who knew? I really like how clear the language in this stanza is.

*originally written in prose in some parts, thats the excuse for some long lines.

All in all, I really like the ideas you have here. Just work on a bit of clarity and it'll be even more fantastic. Thanks for your words on mine.
#7
Thank you very much for the crit, I usually don't like to keep my pieces in one perspective. By the way, Candia is a type of flower. A red/pink flower, not really famous but I wanted to avoid a cliche in saying "roses". All it means is that she blushed, I don't know why I capitalized it, probably because it's the title or just significant.
#8
Ooh.
Well now knowing that,
I love this ending.
A change of perspective is good,
but I didn't know where I was to begin with,
so it was jarring.
#9
And I asked myself "Why do I feel like I do?"
As I recounted my steps, pen and paper in hand
The buzz of the air conditioner cooled my body
While my head became heated as it whirled and ticked like a machine,
The emotions that filled my mouth spat out to your ears
Where they set off tiny emergency evacuation alarms
No surprises here.
The third line in this verse seemed disconnected and abrupt from the opening two. Apart from that, this was a solid opening; the concluding sentence was a joy to read.

Your cigarette smoke rose up and found a home in my eye
The lid then shut and rose like the everyday indecision of whether it is night or day
Not even heavy breathing caused by the freezing winter air consticting my lungs
I imagine you wanted to say “constricting”? Although, the spelling mistake does help make the word feel more compacted...
Could stop the apologies from spilling out
The season of giving had kept its promise.
The third line needs trimming. It makes the line break too forceful. I love the imagery. It's ideal for the theme, and even though it doesn't particularly coincide with the introduction, it fits neatly with the main idea running throughout.

The meeting of two enemies to sign a truce
The ink being pressed to paper as the same two mouths that had fired those piercing words so many months ago
Met for what might as well have been the first, last, only, and greatest time.
I liked your wording, it helped elevate a slight over-indulgence of imagery/scenario to make a point, that the piece had started to become, into more enjoyable territory. But it's still nowhere near as class as the preceding two stanzas. The repetition doesn't work that well here, imo.

A long walk home as we didn't look at each other
But couldn't stop staring
I slightly smirked as the gleam in your eye lit up
And God dug a divet into your cheek
Isn't it “divot”?
And planted Candias deep inside
Gorgeous ending, if a little distant from everything else.



I do quite like the way this felt as four individual mini-stories, all interlinking against a continuance of theme... but it could of been done with more panache and care. It felt rushed, at times, like you'd just had an intense brain-wave, and wrote down the first metaphor that came to you. They were great, but didn't entirely link together well enough for this to be brilliant.

Really nice read, nonetheless. Thanks for getting to mine.