#1
About a zulu man who had his family murdered and forced into slavery. After several years he was caught in crossfire between 2 slaving factions and was killed. I like to believe with his traditional beliefs he got to see his family again.


On a cold winters day
When the net snagged its feet,
Everything was taken away.
The bird’s whole purpose of life,
To live and fly,
was beat.

The golden bird was trapped,
Forced to live its life
in a grip of rage.
Tempted by thoughts of what could be had,
In a different world,
In a world outside this cage.

It endured this day after day;
Hounded by the relentless feeling
of having everything taken away,
It had come to the point
where this poor soul
was in dire need of desperate healing.

It could put up no longer,
This was not a bird’s idea of peace.
It was hard to be strong
When what this bird really needed,
Was a final sense of release.

On a warm summers day,
An unseen force knocked the cage
and the gates to freedom opened wide.
The bounds loosened on the grip of rage,
The bird made its move,
It extended its wings and flew outside

Its feathers ruffled as it flew so high.
Finally the suffering had come to cease.
It glided though the blue of a flawless sky.
The pain was gone,
The bird had found its final release.


I wrote this when I was 13 after reading a brief paragraph in a National Geographic about this zulu man. Something about it touched me and with my very limited writing ability as a 13 year old I tried to write a poem/song about it. I am sure I could make it much better now but I want to leave it how it was originally written 6 years ago.
Last edited by danfletcher90 at Aug 24, 2009,
#2
Quote by danfletcher90


On a cold winters day
When the net snagged its feet,
Everything was taken away.
The bird’s whole purpose of life,
To live and fly,
was beat. I like how 'beat' at the line end is really hard-hitting, just like the word itself.

I like how you first left the reader in a curious sense of what is "it", before disclosing that it is a bird you are talking about. It's like a slow unveiling.

The golden bird was trapped,
Forced to live its life
in a grip of rage.
Tempted by thoughts of what could be had,
In a different world,
In a world outside this cage.

It endured this day after day;
Hounded by the relentless feeling
of having everything taken away,
It had come to the point
where this poor soul
was in dire need of desperate healing.

It could put up no longer,
This was not a bird’s idea of peace.
It was hard to be strong
When what this bird really needed,
Was a final sense of release.

On a warm summers day,
An unseen force knocked the cage
and the gates to freedom opened wide.
The bounds loosened on the grip of rage,
The bird made its move,
It extended its wings and flew outside

Its feathers ruffled as it flew so high.
Finally the suffering had come to cease.
It glided though the blue of a flawless sky.
The pain was gone,
The bird had found its final release. repetition of 'release' ties together the poem.

I used to think that using symbolism (birds, cage, Suffering, gates) is a way to dilute the true feeling of a emotion, but the usage here gave me no sense of that. I couldn't hate it if I wanted to.



I found this very impressive for a 13-year old poem, and still find it impressive now. I'm not sure how you'd feel about editing it. You could try though, but they'res something innocent and sincere about this version right here, and that sincerity is what made me like it.


there's a link to a poem in my sig under "plesiosaur" if you'd like to crit it.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#3
This was a lovely read. The only thing I can pick fault with is the way you constantly harp back to this "bird" imagery. It becomes monotonous after a while, and the impact of it disappears.
I love seeing a simple analogy/metaphor/whatever, but if it's mentioned in every single verse, the imagination is kind of taken away a little. Fortunately, this had plenty of vivid representations to elevate it.

Really nice writing.
#4
Put your slave in this round birdcage and hang it up the ceiling! Pictures of this cage are not available yet.

The cage has an inside diameter of 50cm, length on the inside is about 190cm. This will lock up your slave in a standing position rather tight. You will be sure that your little birdy won't move very much!

The round bars are welded to flat bars around the cage. The floor is made of steel and on top of the cage there is a hoisting lug. The door is on the side and can be locked.

Be aware that this cage cannot be dismounted.

_________________________________
large jewellery box
huge bra
#5
I don't really feel that strongly about extended metaphors usually but this was actually quite good... I will say though that the rhyme scheme gets a bit uninteresting after 30 lines of simple rhymes. Maybe a complex rhyme liking waking and fading etc. Would spice things up a bit. Otherwise, it's very well written and there isn't much to criticise

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1194825