#1
This contains swearing in places were it is not completely necessary, should I edit them out too avoid annoying conservatives or leave it in for authenticity? Or perhaps for artistic reasons.

Also, is this amusing or not? Win or phail?


David grabs the door handle and pulls.

Amy jumps to stop him.

We see naked man cowering, in the closet.

David abruptly bangs it shut.

DAVID
Might you tell me why there is a naked man in my closet?

AMY
It’s not what you think...

DAVID
So there isn’t a young man without any clothes in my wardrobe?

AMY
Okay, we didn’t have sex.

DAVID
Oh, did you just trip and you just trip and fall on his dick?

AMY
He’s a just a friend.

DAVID
Do you often play naked hide and seek with your friends ?

AMY
I can explain.

DAVID
Well, judging from your previous comments, I don’t think you’ve got a handle on this whole explanation deal.

AMY
I was bored.

DAVID
Have you tried horticulture? Or do you prefer hiding naked dudes who aren’t me in your closet?

AMY
You don’t understand. I think I need to talk with Ezekiel.

DAVID
Who the **** is Ezekiel?

AMY
It’s him.

Amy points to the wardrobe.

DAVID
Mr. I’ll cover my face but not my penis in the closet over there?

AMY
Yeah...

DAVID
And who **** ****s a man called Ezekiel? Why don’t you just **** my cousin Methuselah? We could have a biblical gang bang.

Etc...
Last edited by Acidshred at Aug 24, 2009,
#3
??? I'm just gonna say no. Also, this will get closed.
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#8
Let's hear moar.


Also, not excessive. There was 3

This is Larry The If you click him, he will give you magic powers.
srsly.


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#10
Er, suppose that's fine?
What is the point in this thread?
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#11
The last part you really didn't need to say ****ing ****.

EDIT: Wait, what did you say?
LARGE TEXT
#12
Quote by sashki
As I was reading it, I imagined a west london accent, and was mentally adding "Fuck" and "Fucking" to every sentence.

I was thinking Irish - then you could get some good ol' wifebeating in.
#13
no, but the dialogue did look quite terrible tbh.
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#14
Quote by sashki
As I was reading it, I imagined a west london accent, and was mentally adding "Fuck" and "Fucking" to every sentence.

lol

You sed dick once? And you're asking if its excessive?

Edit: ignore that... lol, It must be in an accent... watch "In Bruges" and use the accent that colin ferrels guy has... it would be amazing, and add a couple F*cks in there.
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Last edited by racman92 at Aug 24, 2009,
#15
Cool story bro.
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#18
Quote by sashki
As I was reading it, I imagined a west london accent, and was mentally adding "Fawck" and "Fawcking" to every sentence.


fix'd
#20
Quote by sashki
As I was reading it, I imagined a west london accent, and was mentally adding "Fuck" and "Fucking" to every sentence.

This, but in an East London bark with a lot of cunt and cunting
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Last edited by Demonikk at Aug 24, 2009,
#21
There are 4 swear words in that whole dialogue. I wouldn't consider it excessive until there are 4 f-bombs in each line.
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#22
finish the story DAMN YOU!! finish the story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
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#23
It's not excessive, it's normal for a man to cuss when he discovers his lover's infidelity.

And anyone who is offended by this, well go back to the 50's.
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#25
moar story TS!


Who the hell is Ezekiel and what's he doing in your closet?

This is Larry The If you click him, he will give you magic powers.
srsly.


If you are not willing to die for the perfect s'more, Then you don't deserve a s'more at all.
#26
I thought it was pretty cool. What is it?
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#28
Quote by blue_strat
I was thinking Irish - then you could get some good ol' wifebeating in.


If you were my wife id beat you for such stereotypical remarks.
#32
Quote by sashki
As I was reading it, I imagined a west london accent, and was mentally adding "Fuck" and "Fucking" to every sentence.



It makes it so much better.
#33



Seriously though, the swearing is nothing compared to the plot.
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#34
Quote by Acidshred
DAVID
And who **** ****s a man called Ezekiel? Why don’t you just **** my cousin Methuselah? We could have a biblical gang bang.




Only good part of it IMO
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#35
Quote by Butthead



Seriously though, the swearing is nothing compared to the plot.


So the plot is bad?
#36
Quote by Acidshred
This contains swearing in places were it is not completely necessary, should I edit them out too avoid annoying conservatives or leave it in for authenticity? Or perhaps for artistic reasons.

Also, is this amusing or not? Win or phail?


David grabs the door handle and pulls.

Amy jumps to stop him.

We see naked man cowering, in the closet.

David abruptly bangs it shut.

DAVID
Might you tell me why there is a naked man in my closet?

AMY
It’s not what you think...

DAVID
So there isn’t a young man without any clothes in my wardrobe?

AMY
Okay, we didn’t have sex.

DAVID
Oh, did you just trip and you just trip and fall on his dick?

AMY
He’s a just a friend.


DAVID
Do you often play naked hide and seek with your friends ?

AMY
I can explain.

DAVID
Well, judging from your previous comments, I don’t think you’ve got a handle on this whole explanation deal.

AMY
I was bored.

DAVID
Have you tried horticulture? Or do you prefer hiding naked dudes who aren’t me in your closet?

AMY
You don’t understand. I think I need to talk with Ezekiel.

DAVID
Who the **** is Ezekiel?

AMY
It’s him.

Amy points to the wardrobe.

DAVID
Mr. I’ll cover my face but not my penis in the closet over there?

AMY
Yeah...

DAVID
And who **** ****s a man called Ezekiel? Why don’t you just **** my cousin Methuselah? We could have a biblical gang bang.

Etc...



It's a me! mario!

At this point, the entire dialogue was read in my head in italian (:
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Quote by jxljxl
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#37
Consider this an edit of my last post, cause it's being a bitch and freezing up, but

^^ it's not a bad plot as such, just...a little overdone. Though i imagine that's something screen play writers encounter a lot, i don't know =/
Quote by jxljxl
If UG had a Facebook style Relationship thing, I'd e-marry you C-mak


Quote by jxljxl
I want C-mak in my bum.


^Think he might have a thing for me...
#39
It might just be the drugs kicking in, but I liked it and found the swearing entirely appropriate if not lacking.
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