#1

Tearing down the walls
around us with bare hands
as you crawl all over
my skin and suck
my heart dry,
while singing a lullaby
to the thoughts in
my head, racing for a
better understanding
of you.
True as it may seem,
you aren’t right
for me, though
I would have paid
more than my share
to know this in advance.
I dare you to dance
and stomp my bones
onto the floor, keeping
score and then
set fire to the drapes
for all the neighbors
to see
the hate
that lives
in this house of ours.


This is not a pipe
#2
There are WAY too many weird line breaks all over the place. It makes it all choppy and broken up, and it's weird to read. Just personal preference, though. I liked it alot more everytime I read it.

The short lines and breaks in the weirdest places though..it kind of lets it down, but that's the only real problem with it.

Great piece, but I think have definitely read better from you(In the short time that I have been here).

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
What's the deal with line breaks? Is there some epidemic of those who cannot continue vocal and aural flow without pausing at a line break? Is this done with prose? Well, yes, I remember high school when people read sentences and ended one with the first word or two of the following, but need that be the case here? Line breaks in poetry exist to make a point, or three, not necessarily to indicate a pause. Read it aloud, without stopping except for where appropriate punctuation dictates, and design your sound from there.

That being said, I love stumbling on a word that I think rhymes with something I've said a moment before, but not knowing immediately what the previous word was, or if it existed at all. This is a great example of flow.

It's not the whimsical treasure underneath the up and down stair in an Escher piece, but it is quite excellent.
#4
one thing that is really admirable about this piece is how you completely commit to each image you choose, leaving the audience with a clearly painted image and a powerfully linear tone. just damn good writing all around. It wouldnt be the same piece without the line breaks you have given it.

When/if editing I would focus in on the flow in lines 6-9. the syllable count seemed off there. The second half was absolutely scathing. Great job.
#5
this reminds me of the mountain goats album tallahassee, albeit i didn't enjoy it as much. i mean, it was good, but nothing stuck with me. i don't think last few lines had the set-up to match, which is unfortunate. also, the dry/lullaby rhyme tripped me up so much.
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#6
the line breaks make this seem a little more coughed up in a good way. Like this needed to come out. At the same time it might have been a little too often because the pace was slowed down and less fiery than the tone at least when I read it.

I think this was indeed well strung and punchy but not as big of an emotional connection was made as I know wants to be there.

still well done.
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
The line breaks are somewhat hit or miss; sometimes it compliments the tone, sometimes it breaks it up (no pun intended). I don't know if you purposefully broke it up more to go with the whole "chipped"/being broken thing, but I think this would be much better if some of the lines were longer. For example, you did a great job of speeding the pace up with the rhyming near the end, but at the very end the line breaks killed the mood in a bad way, in my opinion.

That was the only problem I saw, though.
#9
I enjoyed this.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
"set fire to the drapes
for all the neighbors
to see
the hate
that lives
in this house of ours."

I like that a lot. Reminds me of when my parents were divorcing when I was 8 years old. I actually love the breaks in this part, it really makes sense. This bit just makes me think of my parents screaming the house down at each other, my whole family breaking down in the driveway, broadcasting it to the neighbours. Tbh I didn't care at all if they saw it, but my Mum never wants to look bad in front of people and I did my best to cover it up, of course I was only young and my efforts were pointless.

I like the fact you ended it with "of ours". That sends the message of Family. If you ended it on "in this house" it would have seemed more materialistic, more empty.

Thanks a lot for that piece, it really got to me.
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Maybe the price tag is clouding your judgment ?
yeah probably. Or the circuits.