#1
Could you let me in?
I'm a stranger with no hands
And you are, living on a star
Let's pretend that you're not so scared
Tired and unprepared for what lies within
Your bones, my skin
The chemicals and toxins
It's a guessing game that you could never win

I'm a borrowed man with bankrupt hands
And I don't own anything, but I'd give it all away
For just a taste
Of the world you saw from space

Will you shut me out?
I'm a gamble without a doubt
And you are, ever so far
For the sake of this let's say I'm not afraid
Of losing everything I'm already without
You scream as I shout
"This isn't working out"
All along you were so sure I never had a doubt

I'm a rusty knife just trying to get inisde
I don't know where I'm going, something's keeping me away
From that place
Where you gave away your grace

And I'm calling out your name
Just trying to figure out who it is I should blame
But I'm not scared anymore
Just waiting, who knows what for
And willing, to give it all away
For just a taste
Of the world you saw from space
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#2
"Will you shut me out?
I'm a gamble without a doubt
And you are, ever so far
For the sake of this let's say I'm not afraid
Of losing everything I'm already without
You scream as I shout
"This isn't working out"
All along you were so sure I never had a doubt"
- This felt clumsy at places. Maybe a rewording is necessary?

I enjoyed the first two verses, but the line breaks became a little obscure as the piece progressed, and ruined some of the simplicity.
#3
Oh, a fun little rhyme. I like the flow. It doesn't try. It doesn't have to. Consistency helps, and it is great aid here. Of the world you saw from space. You know that's a good line, and I can see the relief as it is written, now that it has become real. Borrowed man with bankrupt hands. Johnny Cash is looking through my spaceship window, and why? Because he can, and the world is a wreck, so what better place to go?
#4
Thanks a lot guys...

AG: the third stanza correlates with the first, so the flow is the same in both. But was there anything specifically that stands out as far as needing rewording?

Spike: Didn't know you were still around, but I appreciate you taking a looksy... glad you enjoyed it.
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#5
I liked this a lot, one of my personal favorites from you. I like the flow, it's got melody to me. Hopefully it's a song.

the rusty knife part felt incomplete to me, way too vague, for I'd personally get rid of that stanza or develop further.

It's not pretentious and it works. love it.
#6
Quote by ColdFrontAttack
Thanks a lot guys...

AG: the third stanza correlates with the first, so the flow is the same in both. But was there anything specifically that stands out as far as needing rewording?

Spike: Didn't know you were still around, but I appreciate you taking a looksy... glad you enjoyed it.
I know it correlates with the first, but, possibly because of it's lack of punctuation, it trips over itself. I don't really know.


Could you let me in?
I'm a stranger with no hands
And you are, living on a star
Let's pretend that you're not so scared
Tired and unprepared for what lies within
Your bones, my skin
The chemicals and toxins
It's a guessing game that you could never win
I love the charm this has. As said, it is melodious. I have no fault with it even without punctuation and capitalization, which I normally disdain.

I'm a borrowed man with bankrupt hands
And I don't own anything, but I'd give it all away
For just a taste
I like the way you separate this. The rest of the piece seemed a little overly dependant on their fellow lines, so adding this was a breath of fresh air.

Of the world you saw from space

Will you shut me out?
I'm a gamble without a doubt
And you are, ever so far
I know others have no problem with this, but for me, it stumbles over itself... where the initial stanza this is based upon doesn't. You know how it's supposed to sound. I don't. I can't envision a rhythm or melody as before.
For the sake of this let's say I'm not afraid
Of losing everything I'm already without
I don't like "of" being punctuated like that. It adds too much emphasis on something that fills in the blanks. I know it gives it sweetness and unpretentiousness, but it's irksome to read at the same time.
You scream as I shout
"This isn't working out"
All along you were so sure I never had a doubt
The rhyming scheme here became excessively immature. It was balanced perfectly before, but here it lapses beyond honesty and petty childishness.

I'm a rusty knife just trying to get inside
I don't know where I'm going, something's keeping me away
From that place
Once again, the correlation between this and the chorus/second verse/hook is present, and noticeable, but it doesn't make this particular example as fluid and enjoyable to read as it's predecessor.
Where you gave away your grace

And I'm calling out your name
Just trying to figure out who it is I should blame
But I'm not scared any more
Just waiting, who knows what for
And willing, to give it all away
For just a taste
Of the world you saw from space
Lovely.


I know my critique seemed really cocky, like I knew what I was saying... and really I didn't. I just knew the flow irritated me. It didn't stop me from really enjoying the read, though.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 26, 2009,
#7
Personally, I thought it sounded really good, made sense and was complete, the only part that bothered me was,
"For the sake of this let's say I'm not afraid
Of losing everything I'm already without"

Its the second line of this that kind of throws me off guard, i can't really find a rythm to this...

I hate to critique this because I know I couldn't do better, but i thought that you posted to get feedback, advice etc. so thats my two pennies.
#8
Thanks FriendlyFlounder, I got to yours as well... I'm glad you liked it and I appreciate the suggestions as well.

JRuss: I'll look at that line again, knowing the scheme it's fitting into would be hard to change it too much, but I'll see if I can make it work a little better. Appreciate the comments man (or woman).
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