#1
"escúchela,
la campiña respirando...."



i hear it.
the swaying stalks of grass sigh deeply
as the wind rushes past. i'm breathing
in the dust falling from a spiderweb of sweat,
that clings in the air.
i cough violently to force it out

but it's still there.


and while i struggle,
i wake the woman asleep beside me,
the whites in her eyes glow like neon in the night;
just two signs
reading "Come on inside,
and I'm sure you'll find something that you like".

she asks if i'm okay,
resting her cold hand on my bare back.
a chill down my spine.
"yes, i'm fine, Emil--
i mean Maria."

and my episode continues,
i feel my lungs constricting,
blitzing the air up my throat to blow it away,
and i cough something up.

blood stains the hotel bed,
as the sun's first streaks of red
penetrate the fading night.


"....todavía no escucha"
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Aug 26, 2009,
#2
Brilliant. The spanish in the beginning really sets the tone.

Only thing I didn't like was

i cough until i feel my lungs constrict,
and out of my mouth shoots something thick

The rhyme seems kind of cheesy to me.


Other than that, pure fucking brilliance.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Have to agree about that rhyme, especially when everything else here is written with such skill, a corny rhyme can really let things down.
#4
I actually thought this was pretty lazy, and that you used the spanish as a crutch. In other words, the heavyness in the context the spanish provides was not justified by the content .

This was the perfect story of great idea poor execution. the first half was intriguing and worth investing in, the second half was sloppy. you should of edited this much more you did before you posted it and thats pretty much the bottom line. Amazing amount of potential in this piece though, just commit to it, expand it, and make every word count.
#5
Well I had edited it like 10 times before I posted it when I ran into a wall of sorts and didn't know what else to do with it. So I posted it on here to get some feedback so I can improve it and clean it up. I agree with the "sloppiness" towards the end and I admit that it needs work, which is why I posted it.

I didn't think the rhyme was cheesy when I wrote it but I can definitely see where you guys are coming from, so I'll do my best to fix that.

Do you guys have anything you want me to look at?
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
Not at the moment, unless you want to do the first link in my sig, but I think i'm pretty much done with it.


I'm going to be posting something later tonight, so you could take a look at it if you remember.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black