#1
Am I too early?

Northern
She wraps a blanket over her shoulders,
the mountain in the winter,
she shivers and slips down into the far off countryside.
I look west and see my dreams cresting
in the edge of the ever lasting glow on the earths shoulders-
for more than ever, the hole in the wall I used to call home
feels closer to this fence post bus stop
than her laugh in the back of my head

and i remember slipping into a drain filled with semen and god forsaken taken purities like her
and thinking "isn't it great to feel safe and small" and then all of a sudden I don't fit in that drain anymore at all,
and I don't think of her as a her but as a laugh that I left behind in the back of my head on the other side of the wall.


A draft takes to my ankles, and I watch as the rest of the winter fogs across the land.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
jeez, you have an immense talent for writer desolate, lonely pieces. A brilliant piece of writing.
#6
slips down into the far off countryside.

I didn't like the melding of the two different distances; I've been taking this poem as close-up from the first line, and 'slips down' is also a small, close-up kind of movement. If she's 'slipping down' into the 'far off' countryside I have no idea what you're doing (driving away or whatever). I like the idea of slowing bringing it in that you're not that, I just think the phrasing is off.

anymore at all

I can't decide whether or not I like the 'at all'. I like the extra push on the line, but not the particular words.

The rest of this feels desolate and gorgeous.

edit: and I didn't read the other two above me's comments before choosing those words
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Thief. (referring to the title)

I like the piece a lot as a whole. The only point I wanted to make is the lack of flow in the first few lines. It's mostly to do with grammar though. While the rest of the piece (apart from the last line, which should stay as it is) has time references and conjunctions, the first four lines are missing connections to one another and it feels disjointed. For example, "as" would fit as the first word in the second line, and "when" would do wonders to the fourth.

That's all I have to say really. It's a rather gorgeous piece. You're still a thief though.
This is not a pipe
#8
^I know I couldnt help it
I still think of you when I think of the word haha.
I dunno that was what kept hammering at my head. Maybe I'll retitle it; I'm still trying to think of one.

I think I'll edit in a reworded opening because you (carmel and katherine) both make great points. And katherine I think I'll try to clear/clean up what you were talking about in the process. Thanks a ton, sean, kyle, carmel, and katherine.

I'll return comments soon.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me