#1
hey guys. recently ive started up writing my songs again, and thier really depressing to read over after their written. anyway i wanna know what you guys think

this ones more of a poem. the same sort of thing as the first,


With each day the sadness grows, holding it in so nobody knows

The pain I feel when I see my friends, being in love

It never ends

It depresses me to no end

My emotions are shot, lain on the floor

In the room of romance, I hide beside the door

Waiting, forever waiting

For my turn to feel loved

It never comes



Singularity is a curse

Having nothing to share

No one to share it with

It drains your hope

With nothing to hold dear

You live in a limbo

Between life and death

It keeps you alive

If only for a while

With the false hope that it will all get better

It never does, never will



I don’t know how long

I can stand this life

Being the dust in the room

Of love and happiness

Never given a thought

Crushed underfoot

Always the support

The shoulder to cry on

Im sick of this life

It’s just not worth it

Last edited by Biggles67 at Aug 27, 2009,
#2
From reading this, I get the feeling that I am reading the diary of someone who is just really pissed off at pretty much the whole world. Very angsty.

You were obviously trying to make this depressing, but it didn't really work all that well. The main reason it didn't work and wasn't sad at all was because there was nothing that painted a picture in my head. I was pretty much just told a bunch of things, and you left nothing to my imagination. There were no metaphors or similes or literary devices that really caught my attention and made me feel what you were trying to say. You just told me. Also, much of it was very cliche'd. Things like broken hearts, burning, the theme of girls not liking you, it's all been done before. You can still do it, but do it in a new and different way other than just writing down exactly what you are thinking.

For example,

All the girls walk past me
Talking about the guys
On a whole different level
I’m never mentioned, never given a passing thought

This is much too direct. There is nothing here that will make me really think about what you are saying and actually feel the emotions myself. It is just a set of words. There are no descriptions or anything.

Also, when you rhymed, it was cheesy. Which took away more from the depressed feel you were going for. IE,

If any one girl would just give me a chance
I wouldn’t continue my solemn dance

This is extremely forced. You have said nothing about dancing in the rest of the piece, and now it pops up that you are dancing. And in the very next line, you say that now you are walking on a road alone. Are you dancing or walking on the road? Something to think about. Because of this, it really seems like you just stuck it in there because it rhymes, and it adds really no other benefit to the piece.


Please, don't take this the wrong way. I'm trying to be constructive, and this is all in the spirit of helping you. I Look forward to reading the next thing you post.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
nice lyrics. reminded me of something zepplin would write. put it with a slow grovy melody they do so well like i gotta put you down for awhile. ya, i could definatly see it. i may have to steal this, lol.
JOE DYE
#4
yeah, drop the random rhyming.

reading this makes me think 'generic whining tennager', rather than 'depressed individual'

try and look a bit deeper, be more specific than 'the girls dont like me' cos its been done a million times. tell us how it feels to be you right now.

im sorry, this is constructive critisism - im not having a dig at you!
RIP Turnip. RIP MCA.
RIP #58.
#6
Just edit this thread, don't post a new one.

Also, is it called "Depression Session" or "Broken Hearts Road" ?

I agree that it is somewhat cliche, but I still like it because it is very easy to relate to. I think the chorus is pretty much keep-able, but I'd work on the verses some more. Also, try to give us something to "look" at/into while we read. I can't really think of much imagery that is actually used. Also, try not to use "heart" and whatever all that often unless you want it to look cliche. (Hah, if only I'd take my own advice..)
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#7
Sometimes people find mercy in their hearts,
To take a break, and give me what they call "advice"
But ive heard it all before and I don’t want to hear it again
It hasn’t worked before so why should it now
I just want to get out of this vicious circle


All the girls walk past me
Talking about the guys
On a whole different level
I’m never mentioned, never given a passing thought
Eyes only for the "Pretty Boys", complete pricks they may be
I’m never their type, always the friend, nothing more nothing less
Stuck on the sidelines, never in the game, always standing alone in the rain
Nobody knows or can feel my pain

If any one girl would just give me a chance
Just one person to hear my virgin cry
But no,
Forever alone, I walk this road alone


very good song writing here, very deep and emotional... those are just some of my suggestions


C&C please
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1190107
RAW POWER
#8
Kinda reminds me of "Boulevard of Broken Dreams", most notably in the first verse and the last line. Don't really know whether or not that's a bad thing though
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#10
it makes me think that you know absolutely nothing about depression. It's like you're writing about cancer without ever contemplating (read: being forced to contemplate) death.
#14
I'm not putting the poem down. I'm saying it's in the balance of an honest, heartfelt emotion concerning depression, and a cumbersome affliction of insecurity and stupidity.

Don't take someones opinions so harshly around here. We're all on the same page, in theory, anyway.
#15
Mmm, see you're just at a certain age and stage in your writing when this kind of directness is just the way you write. Try and break out of it, because when you do, you will be far, far more proud of your work.

Here's a tip:
When writing, imagine the image you're trying to create. You should try and literally see what you want to create in your mind, because it's all about painting pictures and atmospheres with words. Think: Metaphors, Themes, Warm/cold, dark/light, The story etc.

Also, try and make sure you know the meaning that you're trying to give to the audience. Make sure it's fairly solid, because otherwise the piece will come out shapeless and "forced".

-Less "Depression, Girls don't like me" and more "How can I relate the single emotion I feel with other vivid images I can create for the audience".
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#16
I've got to agree with angrygoldfish

I think its really well wrote, but "depressed" isn't the word i'd use. Heartbreak, loneliness, emptiness: yes. But depression, not so much

Putting that aside, i think it was greatly written and covered how your feeling, seems like it came from the heart, good job man.
crit mine when you got a chance

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191194
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

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^
oh yeahhh