#1
This no longer has a title, as I have found it to be very misleading(The man is not in a coma).


The words
“I know you can’t hear me, but..”
never sounded less cliche
as we bathed in our tears
in that crowded little ICU room.
And the thing that made us all
sink
a couple inches deeper
Was when she said
“I love you, Robert.
Do you love me?”
and he responded with a
deafening silence.
But I think that maybe,
out of the corner of my eye,
I saw his toes
wiggle
when she said
his name.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Aug 27, 2009,
#2
I found this poem to especially sweet and endearing but couldn't help but be irked by the ending, when the man suddenly comes out of his coma through the power of love. What I think you could do to remedy the border-line cliche undertone that that ending has would be to play on how the narrator perceives that he sees the toes wiggle. If you emphasize the fact that the narrator thinks he sees it (but, in an external reality, he really doesn't wiggle his toes), then I think the sweet and endearing and even heartbreaking potential that this has will be driven home. I, at least, find it touching when people look for love to conquer all in a very dire situation (such as a loved one being in a coma) and even perceiving that it can make a difference. But I can't get behind love having supernatural powers and bringing someone back to consciousness. That's just my take on it.

Thanks for the crit on mine and I'll be looking for more from you in the future.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
I can definitely see how you think that and how it comes off that way. But the title is a bit misleading; this is based on something that actually happened.

The REAL story
is that my grandpa is in the hospital right now, and he had a...I'm not sure. But his colon pretty much ruptured. So they had him under sedation for about a week, so he was in a very coma-like state. My whole family and I went to the hospital and they lifted the sedation so we could say our last words if that ended up being the case. He still couldn't talk or open his eyes because he had been sedated for so long, and we were told he could barely hear what he was saying, but he was there. Well, we all said our words, "Keep fighting, Bob." "We're here for ya, man." "We drove 500 miles and you can't even say hello?" And there was alot of laughter at that, but then my grandma started crying and said "I love you, robert. Can you hear me? Do you love me?" and there was no response at all(as there hadn't been the rest of the time) except for the *pop* of his ventilator. But I saw his toes wiggle when she said his name, I swear. My dad later said that he saw it too.

So yeah, it's a bit misleading, but I couldn't make the title "A Man Whos Heavy Sedation Has Just Been Lifted But He Can't Talk Or Move Drenched in the Tears of his Lover.". So comatose seemed like a proper substitute, since that was very similar to the state he was in.


Thanks for the crit though, I really should find a way to fix it so it doesn't look like he is actually coming out of a coma. A title change would be nice, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't do that. The thing I was trying to work on in this was my apparent problem with having way too many excess lines and ideas that don't benefit the piece. So as long as you don't have a comment about that, then this did its job.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Aug 26, 2009,
#4
I really enjoyed that. Such a nice change from the typical love stuff you find all the time, and your imagry was great. I could see myself standing in the room and hearing/seeing all of this take place.
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#5
This is alright. It could have been great, but the wording at the end killed it for me. I see no reason to change anything though.
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#6
I can't say that you should change anything about this, after having read the story behind it. It's not creativity, per sé, that drives the pen into the paper here but the emotion and it is a cold, hard outlet that replaces a fraction of the tears one might shed in any other case, if they did not have this, power in their hand as you do.

The only thing I can suggest is that if you feel it, you should write and write and write and write, be it about this or anything else, whether what you end up with is horrible and derelict or an emerald gem - it doesn't matter. Just keep the blender in your mind running the pen in your hand, and you'll no longer have to answer to your personal critic by mentioning how cliché what your writing is in your writing.