#1
A Young Boy looks into his mothers eyes,
Theres no hope its all lies,
That she says to him,
He wonders why all these lies,
But he cant think to contemplate the reason,
Like the changing of the seasons,
All these Mysteries, All this treason;

His thoughts like wildfire,
They run Rampant,
Just to maybe Dampen the pain a little,
He may have gone insane a little,
But he cant take it no more,
The S*it hes fed,
He might as well be dead,
The Blood hes Bled,
His head,
Filled with Dread.


Thats all i got so far, you have to kinda flow a little,
Thanks
Gear:
Horrible Strat,
Horrible Amp,
Looseleaf paper = Abundand

Saving up for:
Jackson JS30RR
A BETTER AMP,
Last edited by Nccdaley at Aug 27, 2009,
#2
this was pretty cool, i like the way it rhymes
especially the "rampant... dampen" part. like slant rhyme or w/e they call it i like it haha
"He may have gone a bit insane a little," sounds kind of awkward though

but anyway good job!
Write the music you want to hear.
#3
A Young Boy looks into his mothers eyes,
Theres no hope its all lies,
I like this as an opening line
That she says to him,
He wonders why all these lies,
im not sure how well these two lines flow together
But he cant think to contemplate the reason,
maybe "or" ?
Like the changing of the seasons,
All these Mysteries, All this treason;
i like
His thoughts like wildfire,
They run Rampant,
Just to maybe Dampen the pain a little,
He may have gone a bit insane a little,
rampant=dampen=nice!! i also like the repetition of "little"..it works well
But he cant take it no more,
The S*it hes fed,
*giggle* sorry i got a mental image of that..
He might as well be dead,
The Blood hes Bled,
maybe "has"?
Nothing helps,
His head,
Filled with Dread.

#4
hm, ima update it, thanks for the feed back, still think it could be better
Gear:
Horrible Strat,
Horrible Amp,
Looseleaf paper = Abundand

Saving up for:
Jackson JS30RR
A BETTER AMP,